@ClaytonSykes: Headed to a funeral. #yolo
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@BlondAmbitionTO: I hate when people call and say they're 10 minutes away for a "drop-by surprise visit" and I have to set fire to my house.
@P_o_n_k: [Shower] ME: This is literally my most vulnerable, unexpecting, and relaxed state SHAMPOO BOTTLE: Seems like a good time to hit the ground
@BuckyIsotope: Sir, the children at the petting zoo are unhappy. They think our animals are lame *stares off into distance* We're gonna need a bigger goat
@jazmasta: [at Indian restaurant] "Those triangular pastry parcels with the spicy filling were delicious!" "Samosa?" "Oh no thanks, I'm full"