Cardio? Is that in Spain?
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Q: Why isn’t the moon hairy?
A: Because it waxes every month.
[first day as a crime scene photographer]
me: pretty weak lighting in here
*drags the corpse outside*
Dating someone that actually likes you is wild. Like, what do you mean this person wants me around? And tries to get to know me? And asks what my blood type is? Or if I have both kidneys? Or if I wanna fly out & meet them alone in an abandoned hospital? It’s nice to feel wanted.
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
WHY ARE WE ALLOCATING EMERGENCY AID FOR THE ARTS?
Screamed by people who have been watching Netflix, reading books, and playing video games for 18 hours/day.
Elderly waiter: Would you like a doggy bag?
5yo: Why is he trying to give you poop?
Some dude told me he’s had 100 times more girls than me which made me laugh so much because 100 x 0 is still 0.
I always leave my vehicles gas on empty because I want thiefs to be as pissed off as my wife
to be perfectly honest, loose dogs seem like the lesser issue here
Target had a credit card breach? But only with in-store purchases, not online? More proof you’re better off staying home with no pants on.
-currently looking for an adult
-Realizing I’m an adult
-Now looking for an older adult
-Someone successful at adulting
-An adultier adult
Don’t give up on your dreams, if cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want
I never feel like a bigger failure than when my dog re-scratches something I just scratched for her.
how dare you call me when dogs 101 is on
[teaching teen to drive]
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment for a long time, sweetie.
Teen: Shouldn’t you be sitting in the passenger seat?
Me: No, this seat is better. *begins kicking her seat*
I can still fit into the locker I was shoved into in high school.
Do not believe the promises made during foreplay!!
I try to use proper grammar and punctuation in all of my tweets, until I’m about to go over the 140 character limit…& den u no how it b.
Whenever I meet a new baby, I stand still and let it come up to me and smell my hand first before I try to pet it
GIRL: what’s your sign
ME: [silently pointing up to the glowing Arbys logo in the distance]
So this is how I learned my work calendar wasn’t private.
INTERVIEWER: You worked in a NASCAR pit crew? How does that qualify you to work here at the Men’s Wearhou
*I’ve already changed his pants*
[immortal aliens studying us]
After about 80 years, they enter a larval stage and lie dormant underground. We don’t know what happens next.
Wife text from work on Easter. “Happy Easter” quick reply as joke “I’m going to grind on you so hard” opens text.Was group family text.truth
Do you scroll through Netflix to find a good show for your dog to watch when you leave the house or are you normal?
[I just barely squeeze thru the elevator doors as they shut, however my chain wallet get caught, ripping my pants off as the elevator rises]
Just ruined another 3yo’s life by failing to find a non existent toy they didn’t bring to school
*shaking chip crumbs into my mouth*
May it please the Court.
Time really flies when you when you’re down a man at a crime scene clean up.