Waking up in 2016: [immediately makes coffee]
Waking up in 2017: [immediately checks to see if WW3 has started]
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Can’t believe how divided we’ve become over an election. It’s not like it’s the color of a dress or something.
If you bump into someone at the grocery store and say goodbye, there’s a 99 percent chance you’ll see them in every single aisle after that.
[showing my 4yo a Slinky]
me: look, it’s walking down the stairs
kid: what else can it do
me: literally nothing
uber driver picked me up “dodger stadium? you goin to the game?” i was like “nah” and we both sat there in silence for the whole ride, both knowing i had lied
I’m not saying that my husband is trying to kill me….
… I’m just saying that if I die from walking into an open kitchen cabinet that he’s the dumbass who left it open.
Guys you need to work this out.
*water balloon fight at 10 paces*
I didn’t forget your birthday I just forgot today’s date.
-me, forgetting your birthday
Found pickle trapped next to a rock in the river. Grabbed it out of curiosity. Realized it was a pickle. Grossed out I threw it back into river. Decided I needed a picture. Chased pickle down the river. Jumped in river in newly thrifted sneakers for pickle. Took picture. Voila.
ME: wash the peanut butter off this knife
DISHWASHER: imma forge that peanut butter into an unbreakable rock on that knife
ME: please no
You know you’re a parent when solitary confinement sounds like a reward not a punishment.
“This is the worst karaoke bar I’ve ever been in!”
– me whenever my wife sings while driving.
My 4yo is singing a song called “it’s Tuesday” and it’s just her singing those two words over and over interspersed with high pitched shrieks and she can’t get in the bath until she’s done and I have no idea when that’ll be. And the worst part of all this? It’s not even Tuesday.
guy at the gym: hey can you spot me
me: ya you’re not even hiding
(Showing off new car)
Father-in-law: Looks good, what engine has it got?
Me: *ultra confident* a grey & black one
Trainer: WHAT DO YOU WANT?
Me: A BIKINI BODY
T: WHEN DO YOU WANT IT?
Just after I finish this beer.
If we discovered ghosts tasted delicious it would change the entire dynamic of haunting forever.
“I’d like to speak with a manager”
“Mommy, mommy, mommy, mom, mom, mommy, mom, mommy!”
-Mormon kids
[late to work]
boss: well ??
me: (panicking) uhh my car got stuck in the suez canal
Learning just enough german words to yell so I can scare my neighbors
Codpieces aren’t supposed to made out of fish? Crap! Hang on, then, I need to change.
That photo you’ve seen of me pushing children down to get in line 1st at the Pizza Hut buffet is most likely AI generated.
I’m never more in denial than when I pack running clothes for a weekend trip to the beach.
It’s getting harder and harder for movie theatres to compete with home viewing options. They need to adapt to stay relevant. One suggestion: if you zone out and miss what’s happening you should be able to yell at the projectionist and get them to rewind the movie for you a bit
Every Independence Day I get a little bit disappointed when aliens don’t try to take over the world.
If you spotted a white guy with headphones throwing gang signs on the subway today, that was just me listening to the soundtrack of Frozen
I don’t think Nyquil knows what cherries taste like!
[Christopher Columbus arriving in Hell]
Columbus: I’m the first person here! I discovered this!
I’m the kind of girl that likes to wake up. Hear the birds chirping. And throw my coffee at them.
Me: Where’s Ken?
3-year-old daughter: He broke up with Barbie. Then a T. rex ate him.
I pity any boy who ever dates my little girl.