being bisexual means i’m attracted to women AND keanu reeves.
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Sleeping Beauty is my favorite story about how any sweet princess will activate her fire breathing dragon if you wake her up from a nap.
A posh woman asked where I got my boots and I didn’t want to say TJ Maxx, so I told her I won them in a bar fight.
It’s super offensive when they move on before you did.
i’m almost fully convinced that the people who design jeans have never actually seen a human body
Emotions so raw, Gordon Ramsay makes a clever joke about them.
The plural of mouse is mice, so the plural of spouse should be spice and I’m not discussing this any further.
I really want to be a girl who wears black lipstick, but when I try to wear it, I just look like I’ve consumed a lot of oreos, which is not necessarily untrue, but also not the look I’m going for.
My dad had a weird sense of humor. When I was 5, I tried to “dig a hole to China.” The next day when I went back to dig more, there were egg rolls in the hole
So he says ” Nice glasses” and I say ” Thanks! They’re for seeing ”
*slaps knee*
Me: What does venison taste like?
Food Connoisseur: It’s similar to beef but more gamey.
[Later]
Me: *sees a cow playing Fortnite* V…venison?
You owe a corporation money: one member of your family will be drone strike’d daily until the debt is repaid
Corporation owes you money: if you can answer the mysterious hermit’s three riddles, the first of 80 payments in Indonesian rupiah will be made within 12-16 weeks
I wonder if BBQ thinks about me too.
On a scale of 1 to ‘Maxi pad with wings’
How self-absorbed are you?
COP: do you know why I pulled you over
ME: knock knock
COP: who’s there
ME: do you know why I pulled you over
COP: *begins to sweat* n..no
Schedule your appointment early in the month before your dentist starts fretting about their next boat payment.
3 asked if I remembered when she had a cough and I brought her snacks in bed and I asked if she was worried about getting a cough because of the pandemic and she said what pandemic can I just bring her snacks in bed
The NRA is pretty unhappy about the #filibuster. My thoughts and prayers are with them.
HIM: whatcha thinkin’ about?
ME: *thinking about how polar ice caps are melting yet Santa still gives naughty children coal instead of a clean, renewable resource alternative* …oh, nuthin’
The most useful lesson I learned from my cat is if somebody puts clothing on you, just freeze and flop over on your side.
[phone rings]
“We’ve removed your son’s missing picture from our milk cartons.”
“You found him?”
“No, people stopped buying milk.”
Choose a job you love and you will never work a day in your life because that field isn’t hiring.
ME: Who is Taylor Swift’s song “We Are Never Getting Back Together” about?
DOCTOR: I meant questions about the vaccine
Quarantine Stories: We’ve got every TV channel available to us, but my husband and I would rather watch a fly meeting its demise, as our kitchen spider who we named, “Brad Pitt,” settles down for a meal.
I made fun of a guy for still having a Nokia phone. He threw it at me and knocked me unconscious.
What do you call emergency rooms for non medical emergencies?
Bars, they’re called bars
cop: [pointing at me] he with you?
him: never seen him before
me: [welling up] what the hell Jerry we literally just robbed a bank together
My kids were helping me clean & then they asked what their reward would be.
Um how about you continue to live here?
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
Turkey: *mumbles*
President: Pardon?
Turkey: Thanks, so long sucker