Headed to police station to go through mugshots for a date tonight. I don’t trust ChristianMingle.
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WebMD: you have all the diseases
Dark WebMD: and here’s how to spread them
I hope my childhood BFF forgot that silly pact we made at five to kill each other if we hadn’t become ponies by 2015.
She was really dark.
Me: *leaning into him* I wanna do things to you that are illegal in 50 states
Him: yeah?
*steals his car*
Owen Wilson being held upside down by his ankles: MOM
My sons preschool class had to make a collage depicting family traditions. When asked about his family tradition my kid told his teachers it was “watching tv”
For a goddamn liar he really dropped the ball on this one.
A cool thing about having kids is you get to carry on a conversation with someone who’s doing a headstand in an armchair.
oh you wanna fight?!
Wife: Why is the dog limping?
Me: *uncomfortable pause*
Wife: Well?
Me: Uncomfortable paws?
When you’re drunk do a selfie with your bestie
ACQUAINTANCE: read any good books lately?
ME: yeah, I just finished “How to Make Friends and Hypnotize People”
ACQUAINTANCE: I think it’s “Influence People”
ME: *swinging watch* no it’s not
FRIEND: you’re right buddy, it’s not
Meme Monday.
Overheard neighborhood story:
First person: my husband goes out and hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
Second person: MY husband goes out at hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
How to meet a girl:
1) Walk into a bar.
2) Shout “Heroes in a half shell.”
3) When a girl yells back “Turtle Power,” marry her.
When I die I want people to say “Hmm, I didn’t know you could die like that.”
In choosing clinical logic and detached isolation over laughter and passion, you went full-Vulcan.
Everyone knows you never go full-Vulcan.
Which is faster, hot or cold?
Hot, because you can catch a cold.
instead of meal prepping on sundays, have u considered taking an impromptu and cost ineffective trip to the grocery store every single day of the week?
My mom: you’re an adult and you need to start acting like one!
Also my mom: what do you mean you don’t want an Easter basket this year
Doctor: “You are gonna hear the pitter-patter of tiny feet.”
Kim: “I’m pregnant?!”
Doc: “No-”
*a tiny monkey walks in*
“This is my nurse.”
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
Just once I’d like someone to call me “ma’am” without having to add “you need to calm down or we’re going to have to ask you to leave”
A spider just watched me open a pickle jar and then it committed suicide.
*goes down on one knee*
One Knee: I have a girlfriend
My wife and I have to put drops in the cat’s eye before we go to work. Just in case you see a headline like “Couple mauled to death by two pound kitten” tomorrow
CASHIER: *squinting at credit card* Bruce Wayne, huh?
BATMAN: shit
I’ve been dressing all the chipmunks in my neighborhood up as lil miners but their tiny headlamps are making it too easy for owls to spot them this is a nightmare
Twitter is like if the bad news bears went to a team-building retreat
I still close the bathroom door when I’m home alone bc I don’t want the murderer to break in and see me on the toilet.
Let’s be thankful Gwyneth Paltrow isn’t making masks.
me: ok, we’re all tired, let’s go to bed
5yo: what did you do to be tired?
me: *eye twitches*