Headed to police station to go through mugshots for a date tonight. I don’t trust ChristianMingle.
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Him: why do you keep poking me ?
Her: I’m looking for the mute button
I bought a new cat tree for my cats and they are just having the best time playing in the box it came in.
I’ve been attending Acronym Anonymous meetings recently. Or as I like to call it AA.
I’m not making a lot of progress.
Our nephew told us his rap name was Roast Beef, and until my last breath on earth, I’m gonna remind him of this as much as possible.
I’m not saying the character Merida was modeled after me,
but I too would rather win an archery contest than be married.
ME: I’m single and ready to Pringle.
CASHIER: I have never seen somebody buy that many tubes.
In the garden centre and a woman’s screaming:
“DON’T PUT YOUR FINGER IN THAT VENUS FLY TRAP AGAIN JOHN!”
Everyone looks over expecting a child and there’s John, 70, with his finger in a Venus fly trap.
[throws salad into a garden]
Go home boy…you’re free now.
Man Who Didn’t Order Anything Online Still Checks Name On Package Just In Case Amazon Sent Him A Little Present
*Sees a bum eating out of the trash*
That’s so disgusting. I don’t know how they do that.
*pulls turkey leg out of my hair & takes a bite*
Boy, did The Shining nail what it’s like being an only child.
Nice tan. I’m guessing your mother is white & your father’s a sweet potato?
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
[car dealership]
“it’s just like walking, except now you have to move your mass AND this 2,000lb vehicle.”
fred flintstone: i’ll take it!
Who called it Soylent Green and not Humanwich?
Welcome to your fifties…
AT 10PM WE SLEEP
AT DAWN WE PEE
[War Museum]
Cop: Ma’am, you called about some stolen torpedoes?
Me: Actually I said Doritos
Cop: *walks away
Me: THEY WERE COOL RANCH
Putting a kid to bed for the 1st time: Let me sing you this sweet lullaby, my sweet, sweet child.
Putting a kid to bed for the 3,680th time: I’ll give you $100 if you go to bed.
ME: (throwing my car keys to the valet) Run me over real quick, chief.
Why did the Christmas cake disappear?
It was stollen.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
[bar on St. Patrick’s Day]
him: SLANTY *clink*
me: I think you mean sláinte
him: no, slanty is how I stand after I drink Irish whiskey
Whoever said you can’t hurry love, never had kids knocking on the bedroom door.
I just spent more time trying to get a stuck Junior Mint out of the box than I did studying for some exams in school.
Assert dominance by putting your hair in your cats food.
When people say they want to give a voice to the voiceless I say like a ventriloquist?
I’m missing the VMAs. Who’s losing? Is it music?
My boyfriend’s really happy we can meet up again now lockdown’s over
My husband not so much so
I just took a shower…
You have no idea how hard it was to sneak that thing out of Home Depot.
GUY: I think I’m done eating
ME: did you need a to-go box?
DEATH ROW EXECUTIONER: again, stop asking them that
My husband is BBQing outside in the dark, in the snow, wearing a headlamp.
Because Canadian.