Headed to the gym. Gonna work on my diptroids. My gluteralids. My quadrapeps. Maybe my trapaceptals. Definitely my vocabulary.
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He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…Florist- “Umm. You’re gonna have to pay for those.”
I’ve never wanted to be a sci-fi actress but I do think I’d make a terrific “blonde in black glasses suddenly looks up from her computer with a WAIT…POSSIBLE GIANT MUTANT INSECT INVASION SOUNDS BAD expression”
Quick observation about the passage of time.
I’m 44. Born in 1980.
1985 to 1995 didn’t feel that different.
1995 to 2005 didn’t feel that different.
2005 to 2015 didn’t feel that different.
2015 to 2024 feels like a different universe.
Roses are red,
except for all of the other colors of roses that have been in existence for thousands of years. Those are different colors.
In France for work. Obviously I knew there would be lots of people with dogs. What I was not prepared for is that the dogs seem aware they are French
App: This app would like to use your location.
Me: NOT NOW I’M SITTIN’ ON THE TOILET!!
What they don’t tell you about marriage is that between year 5 and 15, your wife will record you snoring in the night, and then present it to you like it’s evidence in a murder trial.
What Swiss Army Knife attachment do I use to put those holes in cheese?
Keep your friends close. Keep your enemies closer. Keep your frenemies in a dark basement filled with bees.
#WhatMostWomenWant A man with a vibrating penis.
“knock knock”
whos there
“orange”
orange who
“orange u glad im not a banana?”
…. MARTHA THERES A RACIST ORAMGE AT THE DOOR DO I LET HIM IN
[first day as tour guide on the moon]
Me: keep your hats on
Guy at the back: um they’re called helmets
Me: yeah you can take your hat off.
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t an empty bag of Reese’s.
[texting]
WIFE: need to talk when u get home
ME: about what
WIFE: too much to text just wait till u get home
ME: *never goes home*
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
if i can have dinner w anyone dead and alive, i’d pick kate middleton
It’s so cute when Gen Z tries to insult us millennials. We had metal slides and lawn darts, you can’t touch us
Once while eating bacon I said I was “getting piggy with it” and now I have no friends.
Bartender: What can I get you, gorgeous?
Me: The blood of all my enemies.
Bartender:
Me:
Bartender:
Me: Miller Light
Me: I love my friends. Their interests? Incredible. Their tastes? Impeccable. I would die for them. If there’s a single thing they asked of me I literally could not possibly hesitate
Friend: Hey check out this cool song
Me: Haha cool maybe
If there is a god and he “loves” us then explain spiders
I’m not stealing anything, Mr Store Security Guy.
I’m just awkward.
Gandhi fasted for weeks and remained peaceful. I go three hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
Look, I can either get over my ex or go on a diet but I can’t do both.
Are you happily married or did your husband just take out 12 dishes to heat up a can of soup?
Camping tip: No.
My response to my boss when he tells me to work harder when I haven’t had a raise in eight years:
*in court*
Prosecutor: In 2002 you had an incident where you ran into a pond to fight geese.
Me: In my defense, I was stoned and they were talking mad shit because one stole my Doritos. I have a rep to uphold.
P: THEY BEAT YOU UP!
M: I know. They were organized.