yeah baby i am an animal in bed. more specifically a koala. i can sleep for 22 hours a day
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*1st time at gym*
*picks up weight*
how do i equip this
*steps on treadmill*
can i get exp on here
*taps huge guy*
do you sell mana potions
Every boy band song should have a part where they realize they’re singing about the same girl & get mad at each other.
Nobody:
My 6-year-old: Can somebody in this building PLEASE tell me if black bears are nice?
The real you is what happens when you walk into a surprise spider web.
It’s so unfair how the houses on HGTV get remodeled in 30-60 minutes, but my house is taking 2-3 months.
Tell her she looks tired. Chicks love being told they look tired.
[Wrench factory]
BOSS: I’m proud to say it’s been 250 days without an injury!
WORKERS: *celebrate by tossing all the wrenches into the air *
I eat all 8 spiders in January so i don’t have to eat any for the rest of the year.
Apparently it’s inappropriate to yell out “Shots, shots, shots, shots” while your child’s getting immunizations at the pediatrician’s office.
Mechanic: You’re ready to roll.
Me: I think I’d rather drive.
*Buys 15 feet of bubble wrap*
Cashier: “Are you moving?”
Me: “No, why?”
Me: Do that thing that I like
Cop: I’m not frisking you again
I’m sorry I whispered “a weem a way” over and over during your jungle safari slide show…
Me: I look like shit today.
Shit: you wish buddy.
Netflix and scream at our children?!
Sneezed so hard I think I pulled an ovary
Due to a recent incident I lost my job as the ‘CEO of Washing Dishes’ and got an internship as the ‘Head of Watching Brown Rice Boil’
I’ve never been to hell, but I once forgot to buy batteries for my 6 year old son’s toys on Christmas morning.
If you see me at the beach this weekend, that’s not me. Don’t follow me. That works here but is creepy in real life.
BANK EMPLOYEE:
*chasing me*
sir! you can’t leave with that!
ME: *running w/ a pen w/ a chain still attached*
I BROUGHT IT WITH ME FROM HOME!
Wife *rubbing her belly* we’ve got a date for our ultrasound
Me: omg
Wife: are we gonna find out what it is?
Me *googling what is ultrasound* way ahead of you
I always keep my phone on me in case there’s an emergency or I have to wait for anything for more than 2 seconds.
KID IN PARK [crying] I think my mum might of left me here
ME: Oh no!
WIFE: Talk to him
ME: Hey, listen kid *kneels down* it’s might HAVE
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
Sitting here at Starbucks, everyone looking at their phones and only one person’s noticed mine’s a calculator.
Every time I see someone use cause in place of because I’m tempted to ask what cause they are referring to… clean air? a cure for cancer?
Be specific with your causes, people.
A gingerbread man sits inside a gingerbread house. Is the house made of flesh? Or is he made of house? He screams, for he does not know.
[after winning scratch off ticket]
*makes it rain 3-ply toilet paper*
My mother wanted grandchildren, so I changed the ring on her phone to the ice cream truck song so she can attract one.
I’ll sleep when I’m dead but also every night so I don’t die.