Heading to the dentist. I hope they’ve all taken their Valium and said their prayers.
You Might Also Like
My boyfriend asked for a dirty pic last night, I was able to get my whole kitchen in the shot. That should last him a while! He’s so weird.
oh, internet, you didn’t even exist when this happened to me. every weekend.
got kicked out of Home Depot for trying to ride the forklift into the bathroom again
If you’re looking for some alone time away from your family, start telling them a story about a great deal you got on something you bought using coupons.
If you start to miss your family and want them to come back, get yourself a snack, open a book, or make a phone call.
Tried to impress her by making martinis but got my hand stuck in the olive jar
I don’t know what’s more embarrassing, accidentally sending nudes to your boss or getting a pay decrease as a result of your nudes.
me: I wish for infinite wishes!
genie: ok
me: wait are you serious
genie: [exhaling cigarette] yeah I don’t give a shit
[explaining the plot of my favorite book to my date]
me: so you know how most caterpillars are only a little hungry?
Dentist: So when was the last time you flossed?
Him: Dude you were there
Really glad that ventriloquism has made fisting mainstream.
I talk dirtier in traffic than I do during sex.
How to eat French fries:
1) Eat all the good ones.
2) Leave the yucky ones and feel superior.
3) Wait 5 minutes.
4) Eat all the yucky ones.
Internet Company: What are your hours of availability so we can do your installation?
Me: Between 8am and 12pm
Internet Company: Great, we’ll be there between 12pm and 6pm
Whenever a friends says “Join the gym with me” I say, “Go to church with my Mom for me”. Shuts ‘em up every time.
Friend: Man, it’s hot. Thank god for AC, right?
Me: I don’t have air conditioning.
Friend: How do you stay cool?
Me: *Slips on sunglasses & leather jacket; vapes; engages Heelys and rolls away*
Friend: Holy shit.
one time i couldn’t go to church because i was too busy describing a grilled cheese sandwich to a police sketch artist
Him: The ceiling is dripping water!!
Me: No, that’s just God crying.
*panics thinking about the ice castle I built for my stolen penguin*
If you tell me your deepest, darkest secrets, I promise I won’t tell anyone. Unless it will make me look important or interesting or funny.
My dog ate my work from home.
The fact that the British call math “maths” scares me, since the only thing more frightening than math is plural math.
8 year old me: bye dad gonna go meet melissa and throw lawn darts at each other
dad: WAIT
me:
dad: don’t forget to take a jacket
Welcome to Cupcake Yoga! NomNomaste.
Australia’s reputation for dangerous wildlife is exaggerated.
Statistics show that 43% of Australians actually escape being eaten and survive to adulthood.
If I worked in a tollbooth, every time someone asked me how my day was going I’d say “IT’S REALLY TAKING A TOLL” and then laugh maniacally.
My favorite part about reading The New Yorker in public is looking around to make sure people see I’m reading The New Yorker in public.
Kinda hypocritical of me to complain about people who send mixed signals seeing as the mat in front of my door says “welcome”…
Her: Our youngest is 98 months.
Me: What’s that in human people years?
[Dog Restaurant]
“Is the Book Report any good?”
Yes, Sir.
“How’s it prepared?”
A 9yo stayed up till 3am to finish it.
“Ooh, I’ll have that.”
[first day as a crime scene photographer]
me: pretty weak lighting in here
*drags the corpse outside*
Saving up ketchup packets in the fridge so I can one day open my own restaurant