HEADLINE: Recent Studies Show Old White Dudes Possibly Becoming Obsolete. “This is bad for everybody,” say Old White Dudes.
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My 3 year old is singing the rare 19 hour version of “Let It Go”, using only 3 words.
*Weird bird sound in the distance*
4 year old: “what’s that ?”
Me who knows nothing about birds: “well that’s a juvenile red tailed warbler thing a majig calling out to its mom for a snack”
4: nods head knowingly with a head full of misinformation
Me: I don’t have time for anxiety. I have so much to do before tomorrow.
Anxiety: Ha! Good one. You’re funny!
Me: Funny how?
Getting noise cancelling headphones for when the kids are home is sound advice
3 – DAD! HEY DAD!
Me: Don’t yell from the door son! Walk here and talk to me
3 – *walks over*
3 – I stepped in dog poop, what should I do?
It has been 3 years since Monday.
absolutely pissing myself over this police chase in LA. man running from police. going over 100mph. but still religiously using his blinker
Very funny, whoever wrote WASH ME in the dust on my box of condoms.
The doctor looked sad when he came into the exam room but he cheered up when he saw my “live fast, die young” tattoo so I’m excited to hear what he has to say
*wife wonders where I am*
*hears every musical snowman in the store start singing*
*knows where I am*
I like to play 20 Questions with my kids but I always ask the questions and every question is “Will you please stop that?”
So, apparently, flashing the neighbors at their backyard barbecue doesn’t make it a “gender reveal” party.
Attention & Pizza are best enjoyed, undivided!
“I’m in love with the shape of ewe.”
-Ed, shearing
Ooh, sorry, I totally misunderstood what you meant by “Come at me, bro”.
I’ll get you a towel.
I’d dust but it would defeat the medieval castle ambience I’m going for.
i hate people that say “it’s too early to be eating that” WHAT TIME DO A STOMACH OPEN?
You think that parenting is going to be all cute quotes and funny memories then you sit down for dinner and your 9yo asks you what you know about the dark web.
If you can’t beat them, try again when they’re sleeping.
me: one big skeleton please
clerk: ma’am this is a McDonald’s
me: oh sorry. One big McSkeleton please
Turns out I wasn’t in narnia, I was in my dishwasher high on bath salts
I’ve been introducing myself as Jim The Chosen One ever since I was named milk monitor in grade 6.
MAKE Easter easier by replacing the ‘t’ with an ‘i’.
Whenever I go to Subway, when they ask if I would like my sandwich toasted, I say yes & then I raise my cup of Coke & say, “To my sandwich!”
doctor looking at his iPad: oh no, this isn’t good …
Me: give it to me straight doc what is it
doctor: well, I forgot my wifi password
ME: we have a problem, they’re out of hot dogs
HER: that’s ok, i’m vegan
ME: ok we have two problems
me: i just quit cold turkey
turkey: *outside in the snow banging on window* please baby i can change
***BREAKING*** sneaky teens trying to buy booze severely misjudge their height – 300ft trenchcoat behemoth said to contain 57 people
I told her love was all about sacrifice, but she still screamed when she saw the dead goat.
Me: HALLOWEEN!!!
Ween: Hallo!