Headline: “Russian Jet Shot Down by Turkey”
My 1st thought was, “Holy shit the bird has gone Rambo.” I must have Thanksgiving on my mind.
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I was trying to create a wonderful family experience strawberry picking, but there just isn’t enough wine for me to deal with my kids thinking it was funny to smear red strawberries on the back of my white pants.
How much for the vacation home?
Sir, this is a coffin.
[job interview]
“Do you have any addictions or habits that we should know about?”
*takes long drag from cigarette*
Not that I’m aware of.
My wife is such a bad cook,if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.
Smoke detector: IS THAT A FIRE I SMELL
Me: No I’m making baco-
Smoke detector: IM A HERO
earlier this year a random number i don’t recognize started sending me pictures of toads
simultaneously my vacuum caught fire and my crush texted me, so the vacuum had to wait
Genie: “You have three wishes.”
Me: “I wish for a burrito with guacamole.”
Genie: “Okay but the guac counts as your second wish.”
My wife said she wants to rescue a cat so I threw it in the pool.
The bills are washed, the dishes are paid, the laundry’s in the oven. I’m going to bed.
Trivia: Bugs Bunny was originally named “Insects Rabbit” and his catchphrase was, “What is transpiring, Physician?”
*full moon emerges from behimd clouds*
nno–nonono it cant be…RUN. FAR AWAY FROM ME. NOW. IM A– IM A–
*turns into bungalow*
IM A WAREHOUSE
What I lack in moves on the dancefloor I more than make up for in dancing around a conversation
Imagine my surprise at the school Thanksgiving “costume” party, when I showed up as Poison Ivy and everyone else was dressed as pilgrims.
If science is so great why do we only have one vegetable on the cob
Me: I would like to eat a boiled mermaid
Waiter: sir I don’t think you underst-
Me: the bottom half
Waiter: very good, sir
doctor: where does it hurt
me: everywhere
doctor: where specifically
me: well right now, in your office
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘mnemonic’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Memory Needs Every Method Of Nurturing Its Capacity
“I found a stick… and it comes with a hat!” 😂💛
goldiesglobe
Guy wearing Superman t-shirt. LOL. Way to blow your identity idiot.
My childhood left me with unreal expectations about how often I would see pies used as weapons.
I understand if you aren’t religious, I respect that. But you don’t have to get all rude when I ask to use your first born as a sacrifice.
To the lady who flipped me off when I honked at you, your phone probably isn’t on top of your car anymore!
What’s the normal amount of hair to mail someone? I feel like this is a lot of hair I’m mailing to someone
I used to think Calculus was confusing, then I read your last tweet.
They grow up so fast. One day they are tiny babies, the next they are pulling out of the driveway, and you’re all “oh no oh god how did the toddler get the car keys???”
Nothing’s stopping you from doing a book signing. You don’t have to have written a book, there are plenty of them just lying around
Anyone have a recipe for chocolate covered strawberries?
Interviewer: Tell me about your future plans.
Me: You mean, like, just tomorrow, or for, like, the whole weekend?
Things the GOP has battled this week:
1. Ethics
2. Intelligence