If People Rode Dinosaurs Instead of Walked.
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If you watch Titanic backwards it’s about a boy named Jack who leaves his underwater home, saves a rich lady, puts a sinking ship back together through sheer power of will and then becomes super poor and dirty
In honor of Charles Dickens I will also be cold and poor this christmas.
Call me when they release “Barbie vs. Godzilla.”
It’s possible to suck at everything if you put your mouth to it.
Unless there’s a picture of you getting attacked by a shark, I don’t want to see your vacation pictures.
[Smoke billows from a pizza Oven at Papa Johns HQ]
Me: I see a new Papa has been chosen.
My kids played camping today and my job was to stay in the tent and sleep, I’ve never been so good at a game before
I gotta go guys. I just found out my lunch break isn’t 6 hours long.
what do you want!!!!!!!!
[Sweden’s famous Ice Hotel]
Vinnie: how are we going to break into the vault?
Donnie: leave it to me *screws silencer onto hairdryer*
You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That’s your common sense leaving your body.
Every Beastie Boys song is like “three little piggies, egg-fried rice, I spy some girlies and they all look nice”
I’m having a shitty day, but then I remembered to shift my perspective, and I realized I’m also having a pretty crappy week.
COP: I need to see some ID
ME: [hands him ID]
COP: this isn’t yours
ME: you said “some”
COP: lol wow good point you’re free to go
boss: somebody stole the office thesaurus
me: I perceive your concern however I am not cognizant of the perpetrator
ME: *hands a hundred dollar bill to a dog groomer and points at my head* just try your best
Mirror: If you break me, it’s 7yrs bad luck.
Condom: LOL
I used to think people who looked for sex on craigslist were rock bottom… Then I discovered twitter.
Fridges have magnetic doors because kids used to get stuck in them. We now literally have to tell adults not to eat tide pods.
My 5yo got a watch for Christmas and now she’s announcing the time every single minute. Please respect our privacy during this difficult time.
Sorry I commented “yikes” on that pic of your baby you posted on facebook.
Just watched a video in which a young lady referred to some shoes from the 90s as “vintage” so you can go ahead and shovel the dirt over me now
That awkward moment when your girlfriend is looking up for a noodles recipe on your computer and opens a file called “Asian.”
Girl, are you a glass of water because I think you’re about to throw yourself at me.
My girlfriend’s daughter was laying across my legs.
Me: What am I a pillow now?
Her: Yep, and pillows don’t talk.
I think we’re bonding.
Me: will the kids ever be on time to school?
Magic 8 Ball: *laughs hysterically*
Parts of a worm:
1) Worm
an airline just for babies.
👽Hey aliens, Since you’re in the area can you please come get me? I’ve got Coca-Cola and chicken!
I like to think that all my unfollowers have violated their parole and been sent back to the big house. Just kidding, I hope they’re dead.