I’m so progressive, I lock the car doors when white people walk by.
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COP: Is this man bothering you, Sir?
ME: that’s my wife
Handing out samples at Costco:
“These are mini hand sanitizer/toilet paper sandwiches, they’re really popular right now”
Sometimes my kids are so cute it hurts my heart just to look at them.
Other times they’re awake.
I’m so much like a noodle when I shower. sit in hot water for 7-8 minutes and become soft, squishy, and delicious afterwards
Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Can you answer a question?
Y E S
What’s the meaning of life?
L O O K B E H I N D Y O U
There’s nothing there.Oh.
Hot Fuzz; Sea mine
[god creating raccoons]
Take a cat and make him look like he’s committing crimes
Why does ma Nana’s dog look like he’s trying tae see what he wants tae order from the chippy
There are two kinds of people. The ones that pack six days before a trip, and the ones that wake up day-of and realize they need to do a load of laundry. And they marry each other.
[battle]
ME: It’s no good. We gotta quit
SARGE: Quit? I don’t know the meaning of the word
M: It means give up
S: Oh cool. Lets do that
Who’s soul do I have to sell in order for my eyeliner to come out even on both eyes?
I’m at my creepiest when I see a drunk chick crying outside of a bar and just think ‘bingo
friend: what’d you do today?
me: i judged a wet t-shirt contest
friend: niiiice, how was it
me: boring. all of the t-shirts were equally wet
“Hey kids, you like candy?” I said to my own kids, luring them into my van so I could get them to school and be at work on time.
In New York, people are paying up to $100 for a “cronut,” which is croissant/donut. We call these people “midiots,” which is a moron/idiot.
[doctor hands wife urn]
Ma’am, I’m afraid your husband didn’t make it.
“Nooo!” she cries.
Oh, he’s fine. But he didn’t make this lovely urn.
I just pressed the Popcorn setting on my microwave and it showed me secret spy video of Kellyanne Conway eating lunch.
*goes to Costco to stock up*
*comes home with all the Doritos*
me (stepping out of time machine): I come from the future!
soldier: oh, great! we could use your help. thousands of us have died in this war for a treasure called “salt”
me: what, like table salt?
soldier: ? why do you call it that
me:
soldier: Why do you call it that.
“Don’t worry, I’ll hold your stuff. You just worry about making friends.” – Cargo Pants
Me: Hi, my name is Ursula and I’ll be your Uber driver.
Patron: Um, why are you wearing a clown mask?
Me: We’ll be making one quick stop.
[first day as a soldier]
ME: whoa i almost stepped on a land grenadeSARGE: mine
ME: whoa i almost stepped on your land grenade
I avoid paying bills by yelling, ” Not it!” and throwing the envelopes back at the mail lady.
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy
The Hadron Colander has four crossing points where the accelerated pasticles collide and also makes a great sun hat if you are into that kind of thing.
As an adult, I’m most afraid when my children’s toys randomly make noise and nobody is in their rooms….
I think this man might be the one, I say right before he dumps me and I never hear from him again
I’m only looking for friends that could survive a hippopotamus attack.
Convinced my kid her harmonica didn’t work because the instructions were missing.
It’s interesting growing up and discovering that most adults are not that clever. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.