Heads, you give me your phone number, tails you go on a date with me.
*flips coin into ceiling fan, it’s knocked out a window into the sea*
You Might Also Like
The cool thing about robbing a library is that you have two weeks before they notice.
A friend text me after the election to ask how I was doing. Now she says I’m mad at her because I haven’t answered, but I’m still typing.
“Robots will never rule the earth” I say as I stand up at the beckoning of my watch
My dog is home alone today. I wish I could call him and make sure he’s okay, but he keeps his phone on silent
16- *bragging about his mustache*
12- Mom’s mustache is way better than yours
Me-
Friendly reminder from your Cats: if you’re not brushing them now, you’ll be picking up hairballs later. Ok yes, it’s a threat.
Obituaries always read, “passed away peacefully surrounded by family”, I want mine to read, “died in a blazing glory of incompetence”
Just saved my overly curious wife from the US Government right as she was about to Google “where do cannibals get their meat?”
purely hypothetical question, just for fun: what should somebody do if they have to dispose of many human bones?
I grew up before google, and as a kid I didn’t know bread was slang for money. Spent my childhood wondering why they put bread in Billy Joel’s jar.
My brother never donates blood because he hates the thought that his blood is having more fun in somebody else than it ever did in him.
My wife learned the closer you travel to the speed of light, the longer you live. Now she drives like she wants to live forever.
No YOUR a grammar nazi!
Him: Can you believe what’s going on in Egypt?
Me: Yeah…it’s crazy…I gotta go. Bye.
Me: *googles what’s happening in Egypt?*
surgeon: you can’t lift anything over ten pounds for 6 weeks.
me: how am i supposed to pee?
*surgeon high-fives me*
BREAKING: Jennifer Lawrence taking 2-year break from acting.
Vin Diesel is also taking a break from acting, but will keep making movies.
trying to convince my wife to stop leaving out food for the scarecrow that ominously gets a little closer to the house each night
“have you heard about the Nu covid variant”
“no, what’s it called?”
“the Nu variant”
“yeah what’s it called”
“no, it’s literally spelled N U, Nu”
“haha wow, who named it that?”
“yes”
Realtor: Why r u moving?
Me: I’ve been eating w my hands for 2 months because the sideways spatula won’t let me open my silverware drawer.
You can create your own organic, totally biodegradable mask by walking face-first through a series of spider webs every morning.
[in Walmart]
“Excuse me, do you have towels?”
“Oh, I don’t work here.”
[leans in close]
“I don’t give a shit where you work.”
A thief has come into my home, and taken all but one of my sticks of mozzarella cheese. Everyone, lock your doors!
*turns on broadcast TV*
Wow, I’m actually watching TV as it airs. Who even does that anymore?
*sees Activia ad*
*sees Metamucil ad*
*sees Cialis ad*
I think I have the answer.
Never eat ice cream while chatting online. Sister: why are you typing so slowly Me: well my other hands busy. She hasnt replied yet.
If you’ve been reading a book for more than a month you are in a relationship with that book and now you have to say hi to it when you come home
[Karaoke Bar]
Me: 🎶 Don’t you forget about me 🎶
Them: *ears bleeding* Definitely not possible.
Diet tip: If you think you’re hungry, you might just be thirsty. Have a bottle of wine first and then see how you feel.
*person walks past me minding his business and not bothering me in any way*
“What’s this idiot doing?”
[Dance studio]
Instructor: tell us a little about what brings you here today
ME: *opening bag* I was told there’d be salsa