Her: You secretly think all of your coworkers are morons, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
You Might Also Like
I watched my wife listen to our youngest son describe how another boy was mean to him and saw her explain to him how to deal with it peaceably while plotting in her head a murderous rampage of the boy’s entire family.
my red blood cells watching me pick open a scab that they spent hours making
How come Ex-Lax never has coupons for a “Big Blowout Sale”???
BANK ROBBER: I said keep your hands up!
ME: *Exasperated sigh* The whole time?!
If I were a waitress, I’d be planting fake engagement rings in every girl’s food, just to see their boyfriends panic.
*receives a monthly bill*
didn’t i just pay this last month??
Deck the halls. Kick the windows. Strike the doors. Pummel the chandeliers. Clog the toilets. You will defeat this house.
I wonder why my book “101 ways to scare the postman” hasn’t arrived yet?
Shrek 5 should be a multiverse team-up with Gamora, the Grinch, the Hulk, the Jolly Green Giant, Kermit, an Orion dancer, Oscar, Mike Wazowski, Baby Yoda, Non-Baby Yoda, & that guy who won’t shut up about his one Irish grandparent.
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
911: what is your emergency?
Me: HE READ BUT DIDN’T REPLY
babies gremlins
🤝getting wet after midnight makes more
Don’t cry because it’s over, scowl because you had to participate.
Interviewer: Why do you want to work in customer service?
Me: Well, I’m really good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault
*shows up to date with horse drawn carriage*
“I’m so surprised!”
Yes it’s a terrible drawing of a carriage but he didn’t have thumbs so
ATTORNEY: What were you doing the night of the murder?
ME: Not murdering.
ATTORNEY: But where were you?
ME: {sweating} The not murder store.
[answering machine]
“Hi Mom, leave a message”
[crab overhears the words ‘crab cakes’]
*applauds with tiny crab clawed excitement* oooh cakes for crabs
[crab sees the crab cakes]
oh no. oh god no.
“so i had the dream again last night,”
priest: *sighs* again, dreaming about sleeping with the green m&m is not a sin. weird, but not a sin
All I’m saying is that gay dudes butt blast each other for a reason. The asshole has the most sense receptors per area of any body part.
I just asked my friend to come over and “play husband”. He’s gonna be pissed when he finds out we are putting together shelves from ikea.
I’m swilling port like a British butler who had a rough afternoon at the races.
Me: One more peep out of you kids and I’ll turn this car around
Son: *slowly excretes a marshmallow chick*
Me: THAT’S IT
I don’t think I ever really recovered from that time my pet rock ran away.
A dating app for angry people- Grumble
God: What’s that?
Noah: The aquarium
God: For what?
Noah: The fish
God: Fish can survive floods
Noah: *kicks llama* YOU SAID EVERY ANIMAL
I’m not here to judge anyone’s religion. I’m here to judge their misinterpretation of it.
I can’t lose weight, that’s where all my fattitude is
I would marry Christopher Walken just so I could listen to him talk and regret it three months in.