@Xoolun: Health care in this country is a disgrace. My doctor said run 3 miles a day for a month. I'm now completely lost & 90 miles away from home.
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@michaelianblack: Every picture I've seen of Neil Patrick Harris the last ten years has been of him adjusting his shirt cuffs. He needs better shirts.
@EJGomez: bicycle cop: im taking you to jail me [sarcastic voice]: should i ride on your pegs or walk next to you [segway cop just dying laughing]
@trojansauce: [first day in the mafia] ME: *bursts in out of breath* STOP! BOSS: what ME: i just found out that this is *whispers* illegal