I was disappointed he didn’t mean the UK when he said he’d take me to pound town.
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The NFL has hired their first female referee.
She will throw flags for penalties the teams
committed 5 years ago.
Save your money- instead of a swear jar, just wash your mouth out with cilantro
*getting attacked by a bear in France*
ME: Gnaw me like one of your French girls.
“Uh-oh!”
– My toddler, looking me dead in the eye while he feeds his dinner to the dog
When I need a dose of logic and rational thinking I turn to my dog who has to this day never cut her own bangs.
[highschool reunion]
CLASSMATE: I’m a top chef. You?
ME: I’m an avoca
C: a what
M: an avoca
C: what’s an avoca do
M: a top chef would know
My husband Scott and I don’t have much of a sex life anymore. I’ve been getting off Scott free for years
All I’m saying is the second guy to bungee jump was honest about his weight.
We’re just started on a 6 hour drive and the boys simultaneously jinxed each other. They won’t talk until I say their names and they’re silently mouthing things at each other.
I just won the traveling with kids lottery.
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
Mom was a minute late serving dinner. Again. I nearly starved.
~dog’s log, August 2nd, 2021
Kids love retelling stories about times they threw up
teacher: your son doesn’t think that 6 is a number
me: oh lol totally forgot we told him that
Sometimes I wonder if cannibals see hot tubs as broth for people soup.
Someone had to say it 🤷♂️
This is the scale that I will be using for everything from now on.
Sticker placement is key.
PRIEST: *cry laughing
ME: I told you I was funny when I was drunk
MY FIANCÉ: Yeah…hi
“Are you okay?”
Me anytime I meet someone named Annie.
I’ll bet Timmy would never have fallen down that well if his parents would’ve coughed up the money for a HUMAN instead of a dog babysitter.
Wife: “Oh Honey, what would you do without me?”
Me: “realistically or in my fantasies?”
If someone asks what you are doing on Halloween, earnestly look at the sky & say “I will be reaching my final form.”
*gets period*
“So that’s why I’ve been in a mood for the last 24 days.”
When I was little I would sit with my grampy and we would look out the window together. He would give me sips of his beer and sugar cubes.
Related: I’m now an alcoholic race horse.
When a possum plays dead he’s “smart” and “instinctual” but when I do it, it’s all “what’s wrong with you” and “crime scene investigators are at the door.”
date: did you just eat a fry off the dirty ground?
me: first of all, potatoes grow in the ground.
Dear Santa,
I’m only asking for 1 thing this year; get rid of words like adorbs and obvi before we all start using them. That would be totes amazing.
Oh, SONOFA-
My young children are currently screaming because they collectively ate the last two bananas in this house and they both want more.
THIS IS BANANARCHY.
I may not be able to out run the zombies when they come, but this cheeseburger is going to make me taste great
Sorry I didn’t text you back, my hands are sore from karate chopping loaves of bread in half and feeding them to starving children all day.