My 7yo decided to make his video game character “look like daddy” by making him a grumpy necktie-wearing gorilla covered with gray hair, and I’d be mad but honestly the resemblance is uncanny
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For all we know, half the birds are telling the other birds to shut up.
When my boss asks me if I can “take a stab at this”, I always hope she’ll point to that coworker we all hate.
Doc: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in the bed.
Make sure to thank Jeff Goldblum and Will Smith for saving the world from aliens today.
LAUGH IT UP NOW MILLENNIALS! IN 30 YEARS YOUR FAVORITE ACTORS WILL BE TALKING TO YOU ABOUT REVERSE MORTGAGES.
Me: [hears knock on door] who is it?
Trooper: State Police identify yourself
Me: Police identify yourself
Trooper: State Police
Me: Police
[accepting a compliment]
you are wrong
gonna start leaving comments on random tweets like “the power of christ compels you”
Facilitator: Any questions about the sexual harrassment course before we start?
*raises hand*
Me: Is “harass” one word or two?
F:
Me: Thx
Sex Ed should require them to listen to a crying baby for 5 hours, and to watch the same episode of a cartoon over and over again.
What is it about a freshly scrubbed toilet that activates my bowels!?
Sure she mainly used knife emojis but at least she replied to your text.
WHAT DO WE WANT!?
A forum for passive aggressive behavior!
WHEN do we want it?
NOW would be great but you seem busy sooo whatever.
Hey y’all, I finally got a smart phone. I’m a big girl now!
Anyone got a 5 year old I can borrow to teach me how to use the damn thing?
Him: Hey, we haven’t spoken in months!
Me *grabs his face* and now you’ve ruined it
Why do *I* gotta dress for success? Maybe success could be the one who puts a little more into this relationship
New Year’s Eve is just a myth created by the government to sell you more years
KILLER [burying me alive]:
ME: I appear to be in… grave danger.
KILLER [calls the police]:
PROFESSOR X: Quick! Magneto, save that bus full of kids!
MAGENTO: I think you’ve got the wrong guy. *turns everything purple*
*guy acts like he’s gonna punch me*
GUY: HA! You flinched
ME: yes because I thought you were going to punch me. If you actually punched me I would have been more protected. You see, evolutionarily speaking, the flinchers would have outlived those wh-
GUY: *actually punches me*
*finds own number on a bathroom stall*
Call for a good time!? This is outrageous!
*crosses out good; writes in GREAT*
There. Fixed.
Me: I bought an elephant.
Wife: how much did it cost?
Me: I don’t rem-
Elephant: $32,872.
Wife:
Me:
Elephant: I have an excellent memory.
Me: but he was on sale!
Wife: were you?
Elephant: no.
Always use a fish knife when eating fish, a tomato knife when eating tomato, and a Swiss Army knife when eating a member of the Swiss army.
If your conspiracy theory doesn’t involve cats, don’t bother me.
Girlfriend scrolled my search history, has LOTS of questions about the Lindbergh kidnapping. That makes two of us.
You ever drive around with an old person who knows where everything didn’t used to be?
When I die, my only wish is for my corpse to be respectfully catapulted onto a whitewater raft of people going down the Colorado river
Pizza Hut is going gluten free so while you are dying from a heart attack you can atleast not have gas problems
Blood is thicker than water and a lot harder to clean off the walls.