Health level: my credit card company called me about fraud because I bought a vegetable.
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I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
*drinks Grey Goose
*adds bird fanatic to the resume
[googling]
me: [how to get wife to stop cheating]
google: it won’t stop jim
me: [please google please stop porking my wife]
google: i can give her things that you can’t
me: [we have children]
google: you sure they’re yours jim?
me: [looks down at my son, algorithm] oh god
then my mum calls to ask why I’m not attending a family dinner; she says where is the glue
me: glue?
her: the glue you have been sniffing
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
me: haha isn’t it weird that i own you?
dog: [pauses mario kart] own me at what, exactly.
From the looks of this gas station bathroom, I missed an alien autopsy by 10 minutes.
What’s that thing called when your crush likes you back? oh yeah imagination
I hate when I go to unbutton my pants because they’re too tight and they’re already unbuttoned.
BY THIRTY FIVE YOU SHOULD HAVE SAVED HALF OF YOUR RETIREMENT WHICH IS EASY IF YOUR RETIREMENT PLAN IS TO WADE INTO THE SEA
Me: I’m sorry but visiting hours are over
Her: This is our bedroom
Me: You’ll have to come back tomorrow
Some girls look like they’ve barely broken a sweat after hot yoga while I look like a tomato that’s been doused by a fire hose.
“I JUST WANT TO PUT A BABY IN YOU!”
-me, trying to put a crib together
I love movies from the 70s because they’re like “it’s okay to be sweaty for no reason” which is important to me
Are we done? Can we go?
-A memoir.
It should be a crime to have sports announcers that sound like a grandpa kermit the frog murmuring through a paper towel tube. YOU’RE RUINING THE GAME PAPA
Got electrocuted while fixing the doorbell, and now I can hear my girlfriend’s thoughts. She’s thinking she should have called an electrician.
Most people don’t even know that New York was attacked by the Stay Puffed Marshmallow Man in the 80’s. I saw a documentary about it.
Probably the sport I’m best at is screaming.
“the immaturity and the copying are my main issues” I say in a whiny voice as my wife storms out of the counsellors office
There’s no gangsta way to say “Oopsie Daisy.” I know that now.
Jewel: 🎼 I got my eggs, I got my pancakes too
I got my maple syrup, everything but youMe: Girl, quit while you’re ahead
No, you try explain to a 6 year-old why Superman doesn’t wear a mask.
“I want to emphasize this paragraph in my email, but putting it in italics doesn’t seem like enough so I’ll also underline it and put it in boldface, a different font and a different color.” -psychopaths
my kid said her friend was ‘absinthe’ from class today and I’m wondering if should inform their parents
Dear Abby,
I told my husband I didn’t want a grilled cheese when he was making one and now I want a grilled cheese. What do I do?
Facilitator: Any questions about the sexual harrassment course before we start?
*raises hand*
Me: Is “harass” one word or two?
F:
Me: Thx
Women aren’t complicated. Just give us attention and leave us alone.
a lot of guys and girls have to leave from office early today because they all have doctor’s appointments, be safe people
People on Facebook Nowadays:
*Clicks pic while sipping coffee*
*Posts as DP with irrelevant caption: Every scar makes me who I am*
WTF?