@UNTRESOR: Health level: my credit card company called me about fraud because I bought a vegetable.
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@Reverend_Scott: Dog 911: what's ur emer- Dog: MY HUMAN IS TALKING TO ME Dog 911: so? Dog: THEN HE ANSWERS FOR ME IN A WEIRD VOICE Dog 911: OMG Dog: OMG
@theshamingofjay: Make sure you finish all of your math homework, there are dumb kids in America who can't add - parents in China, probably
@TheBoydP: Top Seven Things Men Don’t See Coming: 7. Plot twists 6. Police cruiser 5. Love 4. Trash day 3. Health issues 2. Her reaction 1. That
@kelkulus: My go-to office prank is to sneak onto someone's unattended Facebook page and post "I'm undecided, which should I get, iPhone or Android?"