@UNTRESOR: Health level: my credit card company called me about fraud because I bought a vegetable.
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@ComedicBust: When my wife dressed up as Catwoman, I didn't know it'd mean she'd quit her job, sleep 23 hrs a day and spend the other hour licking herself
@alizmay: Pregnancy test commercials would be a lot more relatable if the women in them cursed and cried.
@iamburtjarvis: [radioshack meeting] employee: sir, overall sales are really low. CEO: when did we start selling overalls, bro?
@mommy_cusses: Motherhood is when your child looks like a sparkling cherub and you look like a steaming pile of nope.