health teacher: so, all of our bodies are about 70% water
snowman exchange student: (raises hand)
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It’s called a sports bra bc the actual sport is trying to get it off oneself after a hard workout.
There are two wolves inside you
webmd: wolf cancer
Nazi is a bit harsh…I’m more of a grammar Spanish Inquisition
Everything reminds me of my ex
The weather is so hot that it gave me the wrong phone number.
I never lose followers during a bot purge. my followers are real people with real accounts who are either dead or left twitter years ago
20 years ago my Dad went out to buy a pack of Camels
…and now he’s the most successful camel breeder in Europe.
The tampon aisle is a terrible place to pick up chicks.
My daughter has an ice skating date with her boyfriend tonight. So I’ll be the guy skating behind two 12 year olds carrying a shotgun.
Remember folks, the camera adds ten pounds – unless you’re good at selfie angles like me, in which case it subtracts 30 *wink
The real slim shady: [sitting in a bean bag] oh no
date: i’m very level-headed
me: [furious that the word ratify doesn’t mean to turn something into a rat] omg me too
but whales can’t sink a sub
ORCAn they?
amazon prime: select delivery window
me: *types* the bathroom one
I called 5 a nerd and she started crying. When I explained it was a good thing and that I was a nerd, she started crying harder.
Dear America
Would you please take the ‘s’ off the word ‘legos’ and put it back on the word ‘math’ where it belongs.
Many thanks
England
I bet Columbus was super pissed when he rolled up in the Santa María only to find Dora had already explored America.
Today’s assignment:
If anyone asks you what you’re doing this weekend, grab them and shake them saying “What have you heard? WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD???”
Cw: you have a call holding
M: put it in my voicemail
Cw: he has a sexy Australian accent
M: hiiii this is Jennifer
Three boxes of the same cereal in the pantry are a sign I should consider using a shopping list at the supermarket rather than just winging it.
I don’t have an angel and a devil on my shoulders.
It’s just two devils fighting over who’s gonna get me in the most trouble.
Back in the old days you had to settle for someone within a 50 mile radius to love. Now with social media the whole world can disappoint you.
I had a friend call to say they’re on their way over. I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough to tell them I’m not home after I told them I was home when I answered the call.
The moral of the story? Don’t answer the phone. Ever.
After my second “oh shit that’s crazy” it’s time to wrap up your story.
[parole hearing]
OFFICER: are u reformed?
ME: I—
O: go on
M: I th—
O: tell us
M: I’m—
O: yes
M: can I finish my sentence
O: ok parole denied
A guy riding a bike past me said “hey how you doing” just before I called over my dog with kissing sounds, which was awkward but now I have a date
Just took $20 out of my friend Martin’s wallet (he has ALS) because that ice bucket nonsense ruined my new kimono.
The plumber came to fix the toilet & said, “Where is the water main?” so I turned on the tap & said, “Right here, main.”
Just bought 6 pounds of cheese. Won’t need toilet paper now.
I found $100 in my pocket this morning and almost quit my job