Her: what was that about?
Me: I read somewhere if a bear comes too close you should piss yourself to ward him off
Her: at the zoo tho?
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“I’m a copy-editor”
– boring
– who cares
– what does that even mean“I am here to right what has gone wrong”
– mysterious
– ominous
– maybe you have a sword
Annoying to think of how many lives on the Titanic could have been saved if only they had seen the movie.
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is about your state that makes people want to flee the Earth?
Not to brag but I’ll inherit 17 bottles of Old Spice when my dad dies.
My child is sniffing a bruise on his arm to figure out how badly it hurts.
caveman: *bit by a radioactive cave*
ME: revise my plea? Why?
JUDGE: read it back
RECORDER: defendant said “cauliflower is just white broccoli”
ME: *lips on mic* I stand by that
How do I tell my doctor I only like him as a friend
wife: Why is your back all scratched up?
[flashback to me chasing a raccoon after she told me to leave it alone]
me: I’m having an affair
BOSS: I set up a Suggestion Box. Please don’t hesitate to-
ME: [staring directly at boss while slowly stuffing cream cheese bagel into box]
If she’s playing Wheel of Fortune, and has “_ONAL_ _UCK” left to win $8500, then she wants the D
Fortune Teller: I see a trip in your future
Me [cancelling a week-long trip to Peru]: haha nope. wrong, idiot.
[fall down stairs as I leave]
Lance Armstrong should be applauded for being able to ride a bike so well on drugs. I tried it once. Hit a dog and fell into the canal.
I instantly feel horrible when I judge someone, so I stopped.
Now I make rational conclusions based on insightful observations.
Boss: Our toilet is fixed.
M: I can stop pooping at ur house.
B: You’re using the bathroom at my house?
M: There’s a bathroom at ur house?
Diet update: I’m already down 3 scales after throwing them out the window.
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*
8:00
*brushes teeth*
*looks at clock again*
8:30*gets to work*
*looks at clock*
9:00
*comes out of a 2 hour meeting*
*looks at clock again*
9:05
Do regular squirrels think flying squirrels are super heroes??!
Gluten free pizza is like a roller coaster that just goes straight.
If the first rule of fight club is not talking about fight club, how did fight club ever get off the ground?
My husband surprised my kid by picking him up early from school to take him to an amusement park and the kid was mad because he was in the middle of a math worksheet. 😂
*rolls up sleeves*
*gets high on sleeves*
If ur a guy riding on a motorcycle with another guy, it’s best to sit facing each other. 1 man mounted behind another that just looks bad
lil red riding hood: the Internet told me there are two wolves inside of you
granny: *sweating* haha what I don’t even have one haha who reads things on the Internet
ME: I’m not the same person I was yesterday. What you’re looking at is a different me.
Passport agent:
The valet at the park washroom isn’t wearing pants, should I tip more or less
The other day my son asked me who picks up the seeing eye dog’s poop.
Doctor: how do you stay active?
Me: I just jiggle the mouse every 5min
But have you tried crying about it?
-Toddlers
I do not envy the youth. Imagine starting college in the year 2022: you’re totally pumped, can’t wait for the best 4 years of your life, and then you find out….your roommate is really into crypto.