@Mothpete: Health tip: There's never a 'safe' time to shake a teenage boy's hand. Never.
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@AmishPornStar1: The amount of time you spend cleaning your house before a friend comes over is inversely proportional to the quality of that friendship.
@KyleMcDowell86: *pulls fire alarm in apt building* *everyone runs outside* [Me on megaphone]IVE GATHERED U HERE B/C SOME OF U STILL HAVE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS UP
@ClassicMegan: I don't care if you stop reading after 80 characters. I'm using all 140, even if what I say makes no sense at all. Oh also, your mom's a who
@KenJennings: ANIMALS IT'S OK TO KILL IN AFRICA 1. Mosquitoes 2. Terminally ill zebra who signed a DNR 3. The Nazi monkey from Raiders of the Lost Ark