Some days you’re the dodgeball, some days you’re the face
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After just 1 hour of watching grandkids, my Fitbit called 911.
I respect the tenacity of the Jurassic theme park investors who won’t stop trying to crack the profit formula for making money on murder monsters who keep eating the customers.
My left earbud kept shocking me during my last zoom meeting. Can wifi be haunted
Me: *smoking* you were fabulous
Burrito: thank you
They say swans mate for life but I bet if I gave a swan enough tequila I could totally get it to cheat.
My husband told my daughter he can’t flush his contacts down the toilet because it’s bad for the oceans and she thinks it’s because “humans don’t want sharks to see better.”
Obvious red flags:
*he’s jealous of any and all carbs you eat, especially the breakfast kind
*he keeps pictures of celebrities in his wallet so he can mock their eyebrows
*he tries to control how you play with his dog, insisting she’s a level 10 necromancer
teacher: are u a visual thinker, auditory thinker, or kinesthetic thinker
me: oh im not a thinker
MOVIES: Ok, time for bed kiddo.
*child kisses parents and goes to bedMY HOUSE: Time for bed.
*mixed martial acrobatics is now a sport
“Je t’aime” = “I love you”
“Je t’anime” = “I love anime”
*Wakes up*
“Wow I feel pretty good”
*Moves body*
“Maybe I spoke too soon”
Batman: Use this spotlight to call me.
Robin: What if it’s daytime?
Batman: *glares at Robin*
Gordon: Yeah, what if it-
Batman: *smoke bomb*
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
My dog just ate one of my earbuds gonna blast metal until I get it back
Them: Party like it’s 1999
Me: So turn off all electronics and fear airplanes will fall from the sky? OK, I’ll bring beer
Indiana Jones & The Wait What They’re Making Another One
30% of parenting is making yourself the bad guy so your kids will unite against you and get along for a little while.
Sometimes I wonder how vegans can survive off what little they can eat and then I remember they just feed off attention.
Adam: oh look the McRib is back
Eve: stop calling me that
woke up much too early due to turkeys fighting with some crows
There is actually a grim reaper for every species. The mantis reaper is the coolest and the scariest and she doesn’t even have to use a scythe.
Canadians are not always nice, especially if your son pisses on their snowman.
OMG my brother in law, the gift that never stops giving, was tired of being sent to get rice every day so he decided buy in bulk, talked to the shop about it, wires got crossed, now there is a literal TRUCK FILLED WITH RICE outside the house and my sister is losing her shit lmfao
Cops: THIS IS THE POLICE. COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.
Me: I can’t, my dog fell asleep on my lap.
Cops: AWWWW. OK WE’LL COME BACK LATER.
I don’t really believe in the sanctity of marriage but i do like the idea of someone having to pay legal fees to break up with me
Who’s Rudolph’s favourite pop star?
Beyon-sleigh.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
FRIEND FROM COLLEGE: After I sold my tech company, I moved to France where I met my wife, Juliette. We have three beautiful kids and run a bed & breakfast in Paris.
ME: Remember how I used to like creamy peanut butter? Now I like chunky
Women love when their boots go Click Clack because it reminds them of horses, from which women evolved.
My favorite Yoga Pose is the Upward Facing Couch Potato.
My Secret Santa gave me a McDonald’s gift card because they took one look at me.