Health Tip:
If you find a pill on the floor of a public restroom, rinse it off before taking it.
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I don’t whisper sweet nothings.
I yodel them.
Kelly Ayotte says “Donald Trump is absolutely a role model for kids.” She’s right, kids don’t pay taxes either.
5: a hedgehog is just a mouse with rock ‘n roll hair
3yo hit her big sister then asked if I was calling the police. she wasn’t scared she was testing to see if I’d snitch
[being murdered by cows]
more like (finger quotes) “moodered” amirite
[the other farm animals immediately join in, even some corn is mad]
[First day as a crime scene photographer]
Detective: please stop telling the corpse to “work it”
(Overheard in Connecticut)
“Why is the flag at the bank flying at half staff?”
“Maybe because the market has been going down?”
Just discovered that the self checkout area is not what you’d think.
If people love cheese so much, why are they mad when someone smells like cheese.
Screw you, targeted Facebook ad for adult diapers!
*thinks about not having to pause TV or games*
*orders some*
Active voice: I loved your book
Passive voice: Your book was loved
Passive-aggressive voice: I love how you felt the need to write a book
It tastes fantastic but it takes forever to make. What should we call it? A trifle? Yeah, that makes sense.
Writing “fake bills” on all my credit card statements and sending them back.
If McDonalds wants to check my $10 bill for signs of counterfeit, I should be able to check their chicken for chicken.
My kid wants to cuddle with her piggy bank at night. I think I’m raising Mr. Krabs
If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors, and Hey, All of them got laid.
I closed all the windows and curtains in the house. I don’t know where all this stupidity is coming from.
Have your tribal tattoo call my tramp stamp and let’s make beautiful, douchey babies together.
I woke up with an almighty hangover to the sound of my neighbour mowing his lawn at 8am.
He’ll have to mow round me, I’m not moving.
You drop ONE baby and everyone’s all like, “Quit juggling babies Steve. You’re the worst babysitter ever!”
There are only two stories: A man goes on a journey and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god, or a stranger comes to town and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god.
Today I’m grateful that I fit through my doggie door and that my bulldog didn’t bite my face off as I was making my way through
Kids eat free today? Nice… In that case, I’ll have a water and my son will have the steak and shrimp combo with a kids bud light.
Thought I’d be trendy and try one of these ‘alternative milks’.
I don’t know what a magnesia is, but it made my Cocoa Puffs taste horrible…
Nature abhors a vacuum.
Nature isn’t too fond of leaf blowers either. And don’t even get Nature started on car alarms.
stages of eating a banana:
– oh hey a banana
– it’s so sweet
– so easy to chew
– I like bananas
– oh god I’m only halfway done
– how big is this banana
– I’m so bored
– will this ever end
– one bite left
– I’m throwing it away now
Father, pardon, excuse, exonerate, absolve, acquit, forgive me, for I have synonymed.
The odds of being killed by a shark are 1 in 3,748,067. So if you know 3,748,066 people who haven’t been killed by a shark: avoid the ocean.
conversations these days
start with butterflies
and end with therapy
Dr. Seuss would have CRUSHED it on 8 Mile.