healthy as a horse? they literally can’t walk down the street without shitting themselves but sure, ok
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No, I don’t need a bag; I’m gonna juggle this 12 pack, this bag of ice and this whole roasted chicken on my unicycle while whistling Dixie.
Jumped off the couch so fast when the microwave dinged that I’m now eligible for the draft.
My white cat has been beating up my black cat a lot lately so I guess he’s been reading the news and knows he won’t get punished for it.
#parenting
This recipe calls for half an onion, which presumes I have a plan for the other half of the onion, which means the recipe is getting the whole onion.
Oh I can’t, my doctor said I should cut back on people.
ME: lick it slam it suck it, right?
HER: give me back my baby
Skywritten letters:
SUSAN I DON’T HAVE A LOT OF MONEY FOR THIS WRITING BUT THIS IS HOW I WANTED TO PROPOSE; WILL YOU MAR
One time I threw my cat at a spider so I could escape, but sure I’d love to hold your baby
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take,” I whisper to myself as I hit send on that sixth unanswered text
Boss: I’m going to need you to start being more of a team player.
Me: You want me to save the titanic too?
I scream, you scream, this funeral just got more interesting.
girlfriend: are you really dipping THOSE in honey mustard?
me: yeah babe, the sauce isn’t just for the nuggets
girlfriend: it’s definitely not for the ice cubes in your soda
“I hope to find you well.”
I’m sure I had one dug somewhere on my vast estate.
Wife: We have 4 kids already, I think we should start using protection!
Me: haha yes I’ll sort it[Later]
Son: Dad can I have-
Bouncer: Step back
The key to a successful marriage is letting things go. I’ve started with myself.
And you may find yourself
behind the wheel
of a large cockerel mobile
ME: how do you stop yourself from falling all the way to China?
GHOST: I can’t do this anymore. I’m going to haunt a different house.
[hotel]
me: do you offer turndown service
concierge: sorry no
me: thank you
Employee: Everything I eat goes right through me.
Me: Yup, that’s how digestion works.
[interview for an accounting job]
Your resumé says your greatest strength is using idioms. How can that help in this job?“You do the math”
I count the fridge as one of my erogenous zones.
Imagine meeting your doppelgänger and they can still eat cheese all day without repercussions
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: …and over here are the free weights.
ME: *shoving weights in my pockets* Fantastic.
(husband picking me up at the airport): what’s for dinner?
A nice way to tell someone their breath stinks, “well I’m bored,let’s go brush our teeth” in mid convo
Me: I don’t remember this mirror being here before
Wife: you’re watching a documentary about warthogs
Optimus Prime: so it’s settled. I’ll be a huge cool truck, Bumblebee you’re a camaro. Any questions?
[Dan the station wagon raises his hand]
By age 35 you should:
-live in a cave on a mountain
-hate everyone
-try to destroy christmas at least once
-develop the capacity for empathy and compassion but only after your scheme fails