Hear me out, a Barbie whose hair color changes to gray everytime a child screams.
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You can’t make everyone happy.
You’re not cheese.
Weird, started flirting in this bar and for some reason 4 guys just killed themselves.
Pro Tip: If you’re searching for Moana You Tube video clips for your kids, DO NOT forget the ‘a’ on the end.
Diet update: I’ve lost 7 pounds, two friends, and my will to live.
Dear commercial,
If my family follows your advice and gives me Fitbit or exercise gear for Mother’s Day, prepare yourself for a lawsuit.
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I don’t even know why I exist.
i noticed you haven’t tweeted in a few weeks and just wanted to thank you
Be the change you want to see in the world!
Me: *goes back to bed
TRICERATOPS: I have three horns
QUINCEANERATOPS [proudly]: I’m fifteen
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection.
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way.
Mechanic [looking the other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection.
Me five minutes ago: I’m not sure what the United Kingdom is
Me now: very good result in Newcastle Central, bodes poorly for the Tories
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Because of the ancient Roman literature puns?
Her: Yah
Me: But Aenid you
[first date]
ME: I’m having a great time
HER: I’m not
ME: *peeking out from my pillow fort* I don’t even let my dog in here, Janet
[Arkham Asylum]
GUARD 1: that guy’s CRAZY *gestures to Joker’s cell*
JOKER: *using Bing instead of Google*
GUARD 2: *whispers* holy shit
Scientist: Finally, my modeling algorithm ‘Predicting Cat Behavior’ is complete!
Cat: *walks across the keyboard, deleting the file*
Everybody please go potty because after we rob this bank we’re not gonna stop again for a while
BREAKING: North Dakota lawmakers decide life begins at conception, and then begins again the moment you’re old enough to leave North Dakota
“I’m not sure-”
wife: honey he’s a zookeeper if he says these are koalas I trust him-aww look at them!
*the raccoons hiss from the dumpster*
Sometimes even letting your kids watch age-appropriate shows is a big mistake. Showed my kids The Flintstones, and my youngest asked what it was like living with a dinosaur. My 5-year-old pointed at the Flintmobile and said, “is that why your feet look like that?”
astrology is complicated but asking someone what their sign is and then responding with “yeah, that makes total sense” is super duper easy
Dental office: fill out this giant package of paper & get in line.
Me: I’m paying cash.
Dental office: *unhooks red rope* right this way ma’am, would you like some champagne?
Never take legal advice from anyone named Sparkles.
Whey they go low, I go high*
*can’t bend over due to age
I almost accused a 10 yr old of stealing my dance moves but it turns out he just really had to go to the bathroom & didn’t know where it was
SON: How are monster trucks made?
ME: Son, when a monster and a truck love each oth-
GF: [glares]
ME: He’s old enough for the facts, Jane
My dentist has a tremor. He’s a good dentist, but you just don’t know exactly what’s going to get fixed.
Me: *opens a package*
5-year-old: You ordered us bubble wrap!
Me: I ordered the thing inside the bubble wrap.
5:
Me: I ordered you bubble wrap.
You look like somebody ran an uncooked pizza through a washing machine
Is it just me, or have KFCs started getting too picky with their ‘no shoes, no shirt, no service’ policy…?
When I was a kid, I got mad at my brother and told him people whose names start with J don’t go to heaven, and my mom just looked at me and said, “Jesus”.