Sometimes men engage in risky behavior.
Like when they buy a vacuum cleaner for their wife for her birthday present.
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Hey gang, let’s talk about what has gone right today.
Ok, good talk. See you tomorrow.
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
*accidentally watches MTV awards
“Who?”
The police never think its as funny as you do.
If you can pronounce Worcestershire I’ll assume you can do all sorts of fun things with your tongue.
We had a pleasant conversation about how we hate talking to people and then he said that this is a good reason for us to…
Me: … fall in love?
Him: … stop talking to each other.
Oh no, I accidentally drove over my neighbor’s creepy garden gnome 12 times.
Me: But, like, if you could make it look like an accident…
Mall Santa: Uhhh, that’s not how this works. Now please get off my lap ma’am.
*security drags me away*
Me: *yells* Don’t forget to take a picture!
Wife: Why are you wearing that?
Me: I wanted to dress a little bisqué
Wife: You mean risqué?
Me: *wearing shirt soaked in lobster soup* No I’m pretty sure I’m right
McConaughey: I’ll have a venti with cream please
Starbucks barista: ok, how do you spell your last name?
McConaughey: I don’t know
Me: our son is sleeping with a teddy bear and a stuffed whale
Wife: it’s adorable
Me: BUT THEY ARE FROM COMPLETELY DIFFERENT ECOSYSTEMS
[animal noises] it’s only those with a destination who can be lost
Local Thai place no longer suffering fools
Wife: The kids made you these cakes for Father’s Day! What do you think of them?
Me: They’re awful. But at least they made me these cakes
Lesson learned: toddlers don’t understand sarcasm. As a side note, don’t say ‘bite me’ around toddlers that don’t understand sarcasm
“OMG! We broke up years ago. Which was, like, 100% your choice. And I’m still the first thing you talk about. To. Like. Everyone.”
— Gluten
Life Hack: If you carry around a 14 inch kitchen knife, almost everything is free.
Hey people that twitter says are “similar to me”, where do people like us put our car keys?!?!?!
I bet you could move to the UK and start calling people a, “bleeding tea cozy mop ringer” and it would eventually catch on
I just witnessed an employee choking on her noodles and now I feel sorry for her husband.
[after drug rehab]
Jon Arbuckle: Hey Garfield
Garfield: *normal cat noises*
Johnny Depp could lose 250 hands of strip poker in a row and wouldn’t even have all his thumb rings off yet.
Ugh don’t you hate it when you accidentally leave the volume up on your phone & the next stall hears the *click* when you snapchat your turd
Him: You look angry.
Me: *lowering the flame thrower*
Do I?
Son: [cracks knuckles]
Me: Oh yeah? [stands up and knees and back make bubble wrap noises for 20 seconds]
MEDIC ALERT BRACELET:
Do not resuscitate. Erase the selfies on my phone or I will Amityville your house.
3yo: can we watch something?
Me: sure what do you want?
3yo: anything but the maps.
Your “COEXIST” sticker inspired me to slip a Madagascar hissing cockroach through your car window at the mall. Peace.
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
Of course Bruce Willis is going to keep playing the same movie roles. You know what they say about old habits…..