The most unrealistic thing about Warrior Cats isn’t the talking cats it’s their names. I’ve been around feral cats; they wouldn’t call themselves Stormheart or whatev. More like: “I am called Lord Orange. Here are my finest warriors: Orange, Orange & Also Orange.”
You Might Also Like
The fireworks have been over for hours but Rex is still barking, which is weird because he’s 12 years old and not a dog. Weird little kid.
I cannot walk on water, But I can wobble on whisky.
How to stop checking someone’s Facebook page:
1. Delete your Facebook profile
2. Break your phone
3. Give away your laptop
4. Die
My black cat just ate my four leaf clover. That can’t be good…….
If I fall of this roof cause I’m tweeting, you fuckers have to come and take turns spoon feeding me mash in hospital.
I was shopping the Netherlands Amazon site and the shopping cart is called the “winklewagen” and now I can’t stop thinking about that.
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
Therapist: So you had another breakthrough?
Kool-Aid Man: Look I am so sorry we were making so much progress
I’m keeping my wedding small. Probably won’t have a bride.
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I moved the laundry to the dryer yet.
Caveman: “So what do you call it?”
Caveman2: “I call it burny light.”
Caveman: “that’s terrible. You’re fired from the naming committee.”
Caveman2 “wait… say that again…”
why does this building look like a guilty dog
AI could never write that episode of Bones where the serial killer imprinted malware onto the victim’s bones, so when they got scanned in the lab the computers got a virus and set themselves on fire
[last supper]
judas: this could’ve been an email
*drops an avocado in the offering basket at church*
Do you smoke after sex?
Person looks down…”I don’t know, I never checked.”
My husband and I are bonding over how much we hate our marriage therapist, so I think it’s working?
I’m rubber. You’re glue. He’s glitter. She’s decoupage. Welcome to our crafting gang.
me: thanks for explaining what a plethora is
her: ur welcome
me: it really means a lot
Nice try Friday the 13th. But this is 2020.
When the boss says you have five minutes for lunch.
This intermittent fasting thing would be so much easier if I could just move the clocks ahead so willy nilly every day
[ first day in funeral home ]
me: *gently placing hand on widow’s lap* this is your husband’s it fell off
Me: This “Fear the Walking Dead” show is really creepy.
Wife: This is the Video Music Awards.
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
You can tell a lot about people, you just don’t need to.
tfw you’re leaving the party but nobody notices
When a woman suddenly shuts up, a man can hear the theme from Psycho discreetly playing in the background.
A fun way to get exercise is grab a chainsaw and chase a hiker.