Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil.
I can accomplish this if I avoid my mother.
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*sticks a pencil in your ear and manually rewinds you back before you opened your mouth*
me: I wish I would have put on sunscreen
wife: I have some in my purse
me: naaaaahhhh
alien: we have come to destroy all humanity
me: hell yeah
alien: what? I said we have co-
me: hurry up
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
I thought she was the one until I saw her make hot chocolate with water.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘monosyllabic’
“Can you describe it in a sentence?”
Yes
I have decided to switch to a spite-based diet
[after dinner]
Me: I can’t eat another bite.
Also me: *whimsically eats entire spongebob ice cream cake*
Amuse yourself at dinner parties by stealing one of their forks and replacing it with one of your own
11y/o: Thanks for packing my lunch today, but next time…I’m gonna need more chocolate.
Narrator: But there was not more chocolate…In fact, there’s never more chocolate…For, her mother, eats it all.
Take the road less traveled. Like, the one with the most mud, or the wettest grass, even if there’s a sidewalk nearby.
-Kids
There once was a man on zoom
Whose stomach had started to fume
He really had to toot
Forgot to hit mute
A problem when your living room is also the conference room
Me: Wine isn’t on the food pyramid.
My wife: It’s the moat around it.
it’s gotta be as much fun for a slinky to go down an escalator as it is for a human to walk on a treadmill
Today (Sept. 17) is international Batman day!
#BatmanDay #webcomic #Weird
Romeo: Juliet is the sun. Arise, fair sun, and kill the envious moon, who is already sick and pale with grief that thou, her maid, art far more fair than she.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: No.
my old drug dealer from college texted me today asking if i wanted to buy. i’m sorry, sir, i do adult drugs now not college drugs.
I’VE BEEN DIETING ALL WEEK!
I’M STARVING!
-Me, on a Tuesday
I hate it when I catch SpongeBob halfway through and I can’t follow the plot
Homeless man asked me if I could ‘spare some change’. I told him ‘change comes from within’. Long story short, I’m missing a kidney.
When a killer makes you dig your own grave, throw the soil far away so he has trouble backfilling.
Wanna be like jesus, walk on a cucumber, its 98% water, so you’re 98% jesus
I can’t commit to plans with friends who wear fitbits.
-“No, I don’t want to take the stairs again, you psycho.”
Met Office warns snow could cut off rural communities from the rest of the UK, coming as huge relief to people living in rural communities.
Accidentally sent a guy a 😉 instead of a :), now one of us is probably pregnant.
Me too door. Me too.
God: We’ll call it a “dolphin”.
Angel: And it’s like a friendlier shark?
God: Turn its frown upside down.
Angel: That’s not much of a diff-
God: Give it a sideways tail.
Angel: O…kay…
God: Punch a hole in its noggin.
I enjoy driving because it combines my desire to sit with my talent for being angry.
Look, all I know is none of this shit was going on when Mtv still played music videos.
I’ve hit rock bottom so many times, I’m building a second home there.