@slyoung5: Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil.
I can accomplish this if I avoid my mother.
@megfraser: I'm surprised "slow internet connection" doesn't come up more often as a motive in murder trials.
@AndrewNadeau0: Trump is opting not to have celebrities at his inauguration in the same way that I opted not to take any cheerleaders to prom.
@djdarrellripley: Me: !!Ugh!! YOUR DAMN DOG IS STARING AT ME AGAIN!
Him: Just ignore him.
Me: I'm trying!
Him: I was talking to the dog...
@aliterative: If you love someone, let them go. If they don't come back, detonate the explosive collar.
@BackrowSeats: The toughest part of a job interview is finding the exact right moment to go in for the kiss.