@slyoung5: Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil.
I can accomplish this if I avoid my mother.
@Fredzipfel: Wife is painting the upstairs bedrooms. It's not in my nature to sit still while she slaves away so I went up and complained about the color
@OkieGirl405: This is a fake tweet, someone asked me to put their # in my phone so I'm pretending to add it to my contacts
@ConanOBrien: This summer, camp counselors all over the country will shine flashlights under their chins and read the headlines.
@AnOrangeSNES: "Jesus take the wheel!" I shout, but Jesus decided to pop out of the sunroof firing a machine gun at our pursuers instead.
@ValeeGrrl: Me: [sneaks off to lay by pool cuz kids are finally playing]
7yo: HERE I AM MOMMY SO YOU DON'T HAFTA BE ALONE
Me: [sigh] Thanks bud.