@slyoung5: Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil.
I can accomplish this if I avoid my mother.
@itchyturtle: Dating tip: surprise your date by being a giraffe
@Crutnacker: Biden: Told Trump about Carter's ghost in the West Wing
Obama: Carter is still alive
Biden: He doesn't know that
@forcemajeure40: Apparently when I'm at Olive Garden I'm family.
So why did they call the cops when I left without paying? My family never makes me pay.
@Brampersandon_: ME (wakes up from coma): whatve I missed
WIFE: Trump's running for prez & the Cubs are favs to win the World Series
M: haha ok but srsly tho
@collinwithtwoLs: *cashier stares at obviously fake ID*
you sure you're 3?
*dog panics and runs out of the store barking*