Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil.
I can accomplish this if I avoid my mother.
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If you’ve never seen someone do karate in white leather pants…then buckle up baby, because I’m about two wine coolers away from making your dreams come true.
HAN: Chewie what the hell are you doing
CHEWBACCA: *wearing a three piece suit* rawwrhh aarrhhr rweoorrar
HAN: why do you need a business loan
Juliet: you know it’s true love, when you finish each other’s-
Romeo: LIFE
Juliet: [sighs all annoyed] like why do you say shit like that?
All my scars & bruises tell a story.
The story of a guy who falls down A LOT when he’s drunk.
cop: we found your wife with a knife in her back
me: that doesn’t sound like her, she never kept a knife there
INTERVIEWER: Your greatest weakness?
ME: I’m told my laugh is sinister.
INTERVIEWER: Lol. That can’t be true.
ME: Mwahahaha. I know, right.
I love giving a little kid the tongue, and then watching him run to his mother holding the severed tongue I just gave him.
Yelling “give me back my panties, you pervert” at joggers is a surprisingly effective way of encouraging them to run faster.
Two hundred dollars for a women’s blazer?? Am I paying it to do the work for me??
People always say that when you have two kids that they’ll play together so it’s less work for the parents. Nobody mentions how loud they play together though.
not for long
finish your salad. a thousand islands died to make that dressing.
Had my arms full of groceries, struggled to get my front door unlocked, & the door caught the back of my shoe & pulled it right off. I stumbled & dropped my groceries. Shoe stayed stuck outside my door. Worst remake of Cinderella ever.
Went to the Planetarium to do some stargazing but I didn’t see one celebrity. Rip-off!
When someone has two dogs everyone’s always assuming they’re siblings like “where’s your brother?” “share with your sister” what if they’re dating? What if they’re coworkers?
I think you misunderstood–when I said, “Let me look into it” that meant, “I don’t know exactly how to tell you no just yet”
extremely rude of the target self-checkout camera to show me exactly what i look like
If you want to have fun with your kids, tell them the teacher called, then ask if there is something they need to tell you.
My parents have been together for 40 years, and I don’t even like seeing the same cashier twice in a row at the grocery store.
[mysterious old lady flips tarot card revealing a dude who looks exactly like me flying a hot air balloon into power lines]
Me: is that good
GF: just FYI, my dad teaches at the Naval Academy
[meeting her parents]
ME: [lifting up shirt] does my belly button look weird to you?
I need more disguises so Costco doesn’t know I’m eating there for free every day.
(during sex)
Technically, a comedy starring Mitt Romney could be a RomCom as well.
2 friends and I once pulled the 3 kids in a trenchcoat trick & killed a man got tried as an adult but when they hung mike, paul & I fell out
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
My washer and dryer finished at the same time, but I think my dryer faked it.
how do y’all walk in shallow water
I just want everyone to know that my two-year old insisted on being “pants” for Halloween…
License and registration please.
“Bears.”
Excuse me?
“Beaaaaars.”
Are you drunk sir?
“BEAAAARS!”
Stop saying bea-
*cop is mauled by bears*