Hear toddler having meltdown at Target
Me: Parents should control their kids!
Cashier: Isn’t she yours?
Me:
C: I saw her come in with you.
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Telling my husband he got his days mixed up and my quarantine is actually another day so he doesn’t see how messy I’ve let this room get.
Those gender reveal parties are getting crazier and crazier
[Police Line up]
Cop: Please point to the one who cut your arms off
Me:
what do you mean mosquito spray expires? that’s what i’m trying to do. poison them.
Everybody complaining about how old Biden is, but not ONE person suggesting a viable plan to make him younger. Smh
I don’t always make my order as complicated as possible, just when the server is showing off by not writing it down.
Who are you going to trust, some real doctor who says it’s impossible to make you a centaur, or me, the guy with a hacksaw and half a horse?
work smarter, not harder
You only pronounce the ugh in doughnut when it’s so, so, good. That’s why American doughnuts are spelled like donut.
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, it was meant to be…or Stockholm Syndrome. Most likely Stockholm Syndrome.
I don’t know which meme to get my news from today
*dinosaur at zoo roars at me*
“ROAR”
whoa wat kimd of dinosaur is this
“GROWL”
hmm
“SHOUT”
hmmm
“YELL”
hmmmmm
“HOLLER”
oh its a thesaurus
I’m jealous of people who have more than one ab.
I accidentally bump into a man.
He yells, “What’s your problem, lady?!”
I stare at him. I do not know which problem he is referring to. I have so many.
[last supper]
Jesus (to Judas): so your facebook status said you were anxious? Anything u wanted to say
Judas (sweating): no not really
Guys in the 90’s who got the barbed wire tattoo on their bicep, but only half goes halfway around your arm, you come up for air yet from the decades of drowning in pussy?
New neighbor: Hi. It’s nice to meet you.
Me: It’s nice to meet you too. This is my daughter, 9
Neighbor: What’s your Twitter @
Me: DAMMIT
me: eat this food
baby: never
me: the food is now an airplane
baby: “never” was a strong word
Whenever I read a sexual tweet I already know the “not you” is implied.
Me: sorry I rode a giraffe to your grandmas funeral
Friend: what? that’s not a giraffe
Me: sorry I’m on drugs at your grandmas funeral
My annual evaluation was today at work.
I’ll be riding this “exceeds expectations” high for weeks.
Visitor squirming: what am I sitting on?
Me: I forgot to get meat out to thaw for supper
I’m lazy, but not ‘The guy who named blackbirds’ lazy.
I try not to worry about things outside of my control, or things that are the direct result of my deliberate choices.
[running away from killer]
KILLER: YOU’RE GONNA TRIP ON YOUR SHOELACES THEN I’LL GET U
ME: MY SHOES ARE VELCRO
KILLER: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
That’s it, teachers. Keep gloating on Facebook about your snow day. You’ll see my kids tomorrow after their breakfast of Coke & Pixy Stix.
First day as a dad
When I change its diaper is that when I oil the baby? Also where is the filter and how many quarts does it take?