Whenever someone else takes a pic of me I like to make sure both my hands are showing so it doesn’t scream selfie like my selfies do.
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Me: *delicately inserting plastic tassels to the ends of my handlebars*
Motorcycle Instructor, shaking his head: only if you brought enough for the whole class
ME: ok doc what’s wrong
DOCTOR: u have 6 months to live
ME: *leans in closer* no what’s wrong
DOCTOR: it’s just u only visit me when ur sick
[me, explaining my weird bedroom TV setup to my date]
We can watch whatever you want as long as it’s YouTube, Netflix, or any of the Jason Bourne movies b/c those are the only DVDs I own.
Just hung a picture of Steve Buscemi over my daughters toothbrush to ensure proper brushing.
Well well well, if it isn’t the “Mom, can I spend the night at my friend’s house after prom” trick.
I was working in the yard.
Out of the corner of my eye I saw a snake.
I hit it with a shovel.
I’m happy to report the garden hose is dead
microwave: would you like your food too hot or too cold
me: what if you cooked it just right
microwave: wHaT iF You COoKeD it JuST RiGht lmao ok goldilocks
If I refer to myself as, “sauced up,” it probably just means I have honey, BBQ and ranch to dip my nuggets in.
The Titannic: Be gentle, it’s my first time.
Iceberg: Okay, just the tip.
There are not enough romantic comedies about a small town girl falling in love with a city pizza.
When someone tells you that they cut their own hair, it’s polite to act surprised
Me: I don’t think I like it here
Demon: yeah well that’s kind of the point
Gold fish don’t like being pulled out of their tank for a cuddle.
Today was so terrible, I thought
Steven Seagal was in it.
Got him!
Parenting articles always give the most obvious advice: “Trouble getting your kids up in the morning? Put them to bed earlier.” Give me something innovative like “Invest in an air horn. We like this one that has a built-in water sprayer, available at Amazon for $15.99.”
I need one of those carefree rich friends every woman has in a romance novel who is like “why don’t you stay at my mansion on the beach til this blows over, the bathtubs are legally swimming pools and the garden is magic.”
Engineer: quick open up the coal gate, we need to vent the burner!
Me: *opens toothpaste* how is this supposed to help?
Engineer: The door on the coal burner you stupid fu-
[train explodes]
pls stop saying grace,,,you are diverting God from solving crimes
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
Horrifying if literal: a handbag
ME [first and last day working at Supercuts]: *styles everyone’s hair like Dog the Bounty Hunter*
If the kids can eat chocolate eggs for breakfast, that means I can have Bailey’s in my coffee, right?
<job interview>
It says here on your resume that you are a “self-proclaimed man of few words.” Would you like to elaborate on that?Me: no
My husband asked me to cut his hair. I think the zigzag designs turned out very well despite his bad attitude.
*T-Rex stubs his toe*
OUCH I’M SO MAD. JUST… MAD. I’M…“Angry? Agitated? Irritated? Anno-”
SHUT UP THESAURUS NO ONE ASKED YOU.
My wife urged me to be more experimental in the bedroom, but I guess she wasn’t expecting I’d be dissecting so many white mice.
I set a rat trap last night & this morning the cheese was gone & there was a picture of my kids in it, what does this mean
I’m not making a decision on who to vote for until I see the latest results from dogshit7’s Twitter poll. It’s important to have all the facts.
Every time I see the headline ‘tragedy on film set’ I think oh god m knight shymalan is making another goddamn movie