Heard my ex tell one of his friends I was a stalker. Almost made me mad enough to come out of his closet and give him a piece of my mind.
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The limerick writers on Twitter
Can be justifiably bitter
The limited length
Is weakness, not strength
And throws our last lines down the sh
As I sail away from the Island of Lollipops, never to return, tears well in my eyes and I wave goodbye to each and every lollipop, the only friends I have ever known. “So long, suckers,” I whisper through trembling lips
Autocorrect changed fairly big meeting to fairy bug meeting so now everyone in the office is stripping and running away to the forest.
How to apply mascara:
Pull wand from tube
Open your eyes like a haunted doll coming to life
Flight attendant: Youāre sitting in an exit row. Are you ready willing and able to assist in case of an emergency
Me, half an ambien and 2 bloody marys deep: Yeah
When the atm charges you 3.50 to take out your own money but tells you to cover your pin so you don’t get robbed
As I get older, I donāt refer to myself as āwell seasonedā.
Iām more āfermentedā.
Pal – “Can you help me put this IKEA desk together?”
Me – “I’ll need a screwdriver.”
Pal – “Sure what type?”
Me – “Greygoose or Kettle One.”
Give a man a fish & heāll eat for a day. give a fish a man & you appease the Fish-lord who’s terrorized coastal communities.But at what cost
On Halloween Iāll be handing out full size bars of really bad advice.
Only while supplies last.
In case you wanted to mess with me, just know I went 10 for 10 at trivia last night on the round about famous female killers.
You are what you eat.
*eats Ryan Gosling*
*crosses fingers*
PSA: if it’s warmer than 71 degrees outside and we go to a restaurant, NO. we do not want a table outside. i will literally unfriend you in real life.
[puts on a song to set the mood]
date: …is this the monster mash?
Never once in my life have I found a pen when I need it, so please explain to me why my toddler always has a pen in her hands.
Handmaidās TALE not Handmaidās Handbook
Me pre-milkshake: Oohh! I’m gonna have a milkshake!
Me post-milkshake: I feel like hell and wish I were dead.
I met the Backstreet Boys on Warzone 2 š
me: why arenāt you eating your breakfast?
3: it smells hot
crazy that a bridge collapsed. i better check twitter, esteemed symposium for civil engineers and nautical navigators
Sending a letter to Netflix informing them that Iām currently unemployed and the āare you still watching?ā question is 100% not necessary.
Me: how long do you boil something to disinfect it
Her: idk google it
Me: can I use your phone, mineās disinfecting
Her: *googling DIY annulment*
Me: So how old were you when you hacked your first person?
Friend: 6th grade
Me: Wow, you were good with computers early on in life.
Friend: Computers?
EARTH: Goodnight Moon
MOON: Goodnight Earth
EARTH: Come closer and give me a kiss
MOON: Okay
{millions perish in massive tidal wave}
“So, do you play any instruments?”
Me: *slaps knees for 30 minutes straight without breaking eye contact*
My son almost missed his plane because he thought his seat number was the gate number.
The same kid they said was *gifted* when he was four.
A child’s purpose is to help their parents relearn the states and capitals.
Sexy singles are waiting to talk to u. They don’t sleep. They wait. Forever waiting. Will u free them from this sexy prison? Call now
Me: One time I ended up in the changing rooms at a football match in London and caught a glimpse of a naked footballer
Friend: Arsenal?
Me: No, just the front
According to customer service I can not bring sexy back…
Without the receipt, apparently.