I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.
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-Stop expecting someone else to fix you, fix yourself
(me talking to the pile of clothes on my bed)
[space mission studying behaviour of snakes on the moon]
astronaut: “we should’ve taken our own”
astronaut holding net: “just keep looking”
Ok who’s got my black socks?
5-year-old daughter: I don’t like my princess shoes with the heels.
Me: Do they hurt your feet?
5-year-old: I can’t run from zombies.
Finally I have an excuse for getting fat, heard on radio about girl who been eating in her sleep … That’s it, I’ve got that !
[electric chair]
“Any requests for your final minutes?”
“Yeh, I want the last episode of Lost explained.”
*acquitted on a technicality
“Thats a killer dirt bike you’ve got, man!”
*dirt bike holds a knife to your throat*
Believe me…I know.
Meatloaf was so named because of his incredible likeness to his father, Meatlo.
I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed
Who called it a period tracker and not a flow chart?
“I love having my toddlers surprise me by joining my shower. Not only is it relaxing and efficient, it’s eco friendly.”
SAID NO MOM EVER
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
wonder why hedge mazes fell out of fashion? we need to get to the centre of this issue.
Woke up bright-eyed and bushy-tailed this morning…
…scared the living shit out of me.
Stranger: I’m calling from inside the house.
Me: *screams* Wait, do I have a landline?
If you add enough jalapeños no one will ever know you’re a bad cook.
There are days & nights where I’m surrounded by profound Darkness, followed by a realisation that I need to stop wearing shades in my house.
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
My wife will be like, “gut reaction, yes or no?”
And then show me two shades of beige paint I can’t even tell are different.
Holy shit, I just saw my ex sister in-law get punched in the face eleven times with my fist!
When I first started dating my wife she asked me what some of my dreams were. I told her one was about a T-Rex who didn’t get a job because he couldn’t tie a tie.
She meant goals
I miss the part of the pandemic when the pizza delivery guy would place my order on a little box and walk away from it like I was royalty.
Waiter: Dessert’s on me.
Me: *leaning close* Where on you, Jeremy?
I identify as a McDonald’s ice-cream machine because I go down when you really want me.
How to find Kentucky on a map
her: the moon is so romantic tonight
me: how
the moon: [brushes hair behind my ear] hey
me: h-[blushing] hey
What’s heavier? A kilogramme of steel, or a kilogramme of feathers?
New Tinder profile.
reminiscing fondly on my College roomy Vincent who, when told by the RAs that lava lamps are fire hazard banned from the dorms, replied “guys relax it’s not real lava”
[in bathroom stall]
Me: …
Guy: …most people wait their turn outside of the stall