Heard my mom tell my dad to “stop tossing her salad” at the dinner table and now I can’t look at either one of them without laughing…
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The 11th commandment was, “Talk shit, get hit” but God totally didn’t have enough room on those stone things, so, like, yeah.
[Me]: What’s a snowman’s favorite drink?
[Bartender]: idk
[Me]: Brrrr-bon lol
[Bartender]: …
[Me]: jk snowmen don’t drink they aren’t real
[First Date]
HER: I love dogs.
ME: [Trying to impress her] Waiter, give us your finest Labrador – medium rare.
Priest: do you take this woman
Me: I do
[Liam Neeson glares from the pews]
Me: -not
I shouldn’t have to go to work if it’s rainy. i should get to stare out the window all day like a cat.
awkward
Sub-Zero: Stop shooting your harpoon at me.
Scorpion: Well, stop shooting ice balls at me.
Sub-Zero: You first.
Scorpion: Nuh uh. You.
The key to happiness in life is to set yourself small, achievable goals.
parents love texting “call me as soon as you can.” then being like “i just wanted to know if you’d seen westworld”
“DOC TELL ME STRAIGHT”
doc: u got lou gherrigs disease
*cops barge in* ur under arrest
“FOR WHAT”
cop: mr gherrig reported a missing disease
*fools rush in*
*they all slam into each other*
attention murderers, please do not murder me for the next 1 hour and 40 minutes as i am once again watching How To Train Your Dragon
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia.
I changed my mind..🐕🐾🍪😅
FRIEND: what was the best day of ur life
WIFE: our wedding day
ME (thinking of the time the Coke machine gave me 2 cans instead of 1): same
My wife and I have different beliefs about death. I want to be cremated when I die, and she wants to cremate me now.
Son: Do you know what type of tea the British Army serves?
Me: No, what?
Son: Camo meal
*we tearfully embrace*
Wife: JFC
Q: What kind of dinosaur loves sleep?
A: All of them! They will never wake up now.
Is it physically possible to be sad in rollerskates? Cause I think my cat’s just being dramatic.
Caesar: You will be forced to fight to the death
Gladiator: Hell yeah
Madiator: well this is bullshit
Me: Yells at my kids to stop wasting water.
Also me: Washes same load of laundry three times.
Most of the sports bras I own are because I couldn’t get them off before leaving the store.
Doctor, reaching for a piece of paper: “Are you on any meds?”
Me: “You might want to grab a notebook.”
I don’t clap when the plane lands but I would boo if it crashed
I’m too lazy to try the Marie Kondo method. I’m pinning my hopes on a robbery.
Your call will be answered in the order in which we draw names from a hat.
What I say and what I mean are three different things.
{Heaven}
ME: Hey, why didn’t you answer my prayers?
GOD: I did. Every time you said Goddamnit I damned it.
ME: Oh, no, that’s just—it’s like a saying.
GOD: Why would you even…I damned so much stuff!
Therapist: ‘Sarcasm will get you nowhere.’
Me: ‘Actually, it got me to the National Sarcasm Championship game in Las Vegas back in 98.’
Therapist: ‘Really?’
Me: ‘No.’
BUFFALO: I was only a kid. I showed Dad my report card. He smiled, hugged me and said ‘good bison’. I never saw him agai…oh, ok I see now