@MiddleageM: Heard my mom tell my dad to "stop tossing her salad" at the dinner table and now I can't look at either one of them without laughing...
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@dafloydsta: [death row] GUARD: Ok, here's your last meal. Bon appétit. CAT: *slowly pushes meal off table*
@jdawsey1: NYC parks department on naked Trump statue: "NYC Parks stands firmly against any unpermitted erection in city parks, no matter how small.”
@3sunzzz: 5: Can you cut off the skin? Me: What? 5: *holds up sandwich* the skin M: The crust? 5: yeah M: No, and you sound like a serial killer.