Heard my mom tell my dad to “stop tossing her salad” at the dinner table and now I can’t look at either one of them without laughing…
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Wife: I had a terrible night’s sleep. Tossed and turned. Couldn’t get comfortable. It’s only 6 AM and I’m in such a horrible mood already. How did you sleep?
Me [who slept 8 straight hours and didn’t get up once to pee]: Same.
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he objectifies women
ME: [trying to stuff bread into her armpit] toaster
me: I have a phobia of very large numbers
therapist: I can help u
me: thanks a twelve
Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office is in big trouble. You have my Word.
I’m disgusted every time someone does a gender reveal and it’s a gender I already know about, what kind of reveal is that
[Spider-Man shows up at my house]
*I carefully scoop him up on a piece of paper and release him outside my door*
Am I winning or losing at parenting if my 3yo says, “ooohhh chicken nuggets!” as I pull up to the security booth at a gated community?
(filming reality TV show)
him: we’re out here looking for Bigfoot
me: so a guy with just one foot?
him: no, an ape-type creature
me: gotcha. a big hairy guy. with one foot
him: he has 2 feet
me: why isn’t he called BigFeet then?
him: get out
*sitting in HR wearing devil horns*
HR: We need to talk about your attire.
Me: I was always told to dress for the job you want.
My wife says I’ve left the toilet seat up “like a bajillion times” but I’m contacting Jill Stein to demand a recount.
Safe sex is stupid. Safes can’t get pregnant.
As my mate Simon once said, there should be a German word for “there should be a German word for”.
Scientology, because even Jehovah Witnesses need something to laugh at after a hard day of knocking on doors.
Who knew!
Two submissives sitting in a tree.
N O T H I N G
Txt from wife: where r u
Me:kitchen
Wife:can u feed cat
M: I mean garage
W:bring in laundry
M:bathroom
W:clean toilet
M: Idaho
W:get potatos
In-laws going home a day early because I had the audacity to throw away “a good box.”
Her: OMG you’re alive!!! I heard you bought the farm!
ME: No no, I bought “a” farm.
HER: but I told everyone you’re dead!
ME: That’s fine
Shout out to whoever scheduled Valentine’s candy to show up just as we’re all giving up on New Year resolutions.
She says, the kids want to go to the circus.
I say, that I just saved us $400 by jumping out of the kid’s closet wearing a clown costume.
[helping a pretty girl change a flat tire]
me struggling to loosen lug nuts: Who put these on… Superman?
her: I did
Vin Diesel’s real first name is Vehicle Identification Number.
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo asks for a hug, I just wish she didn’t always wait until she’s mid-poop to ask.
We should be able take jets and tanks and stuff whenever we want, we paid for them
Ibuprofen, youbuprofen, weallbuprofen.
I WON’T TELL YOU AGAIN!
~ me to my kids for the 387th time today
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
Of all the things we should be thankful for at this time of year, not being a turkey is probably the main one.
blocked.