Heard rumors that a coworker slept her way to a promotion. Damn, if the bosses only saw how much I sleep at my desk I’d own this place.
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me: I want to spend a month on a desserted island
Wife: you mean deserted?
Me: no
One day when the kids ask about life before the crab war you’ll laugh nervously and continue walking sideways to crab church.
The first step to admitting you have a problem is having a problem.
My walk of shame is walking past the people I just said goodbye to because I went in the wrong direction and had to go back.
I was helping my son with his geography homework and I told him that the capital of Iceland was New Bjork so now I have another meeting with his teacher.
This bartender doesn’t know it yet, but she is probably going to make me 36 hours late for work tomorrow.
wife: What would you do if 9 told you he was gay?
me [looking for the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
cops at DUI checkpoints should just check to see if u texted ur ex at some point throughout the night
Searching for stuff on the internet when you’re drunk is called Beer Googles.
When you write a scene that finally fixes that one plot hole.
On my way to work I saw a turtle crossing at a TURTLE CROSSING SIGN omg so responsible.
WIFE: we need to talk about your drinking habit
ME (wearing a nun outfit): why *sips scotch* what’s wrong with it?
I may be unhinged now but at one point I was “a pleasure to have in class”
my kid has a friend over for the first time in more than a year and i overheard them say “i missed you,” and was moved with how emotionally open they were being until i walked in the room and saw they were playing battleship
I love all my family members and wouldn’t sell them at any price.
But just for the sake of conversation, give me a ballpark figure.
Saw a young couple holding hands today & it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka
[blood donor clinic]
dracula: can i order a pint please?
♫ Hey there Delilah, can we handle this discreetly
My stomach reacted badly
after eating old zucchini ♪
and I just pooooed ♫
BREAKING NEWS: North Korea may test a missil on April 10. They just need to find a gigantic bottle of Coke and a huge Mento.
Ok so all of our kids get excuse notes for school tomorrow whether in person or online right?
“I’m sorry I’m late, my parents were drinking stuff and yelling at the TV all night”
Him: why doesn’t anyone want me?
Me: I want you.
Him: why doesn’t anyone else want me?
My wife:“That’s not the shirt I sent her to daycare in.”
Me:“But it’s the right kid?”
Wife: “Yes.”
Me: “Awesome. I’m going to play Xbox”
what idiot called them crabs instead of sidewalks
ME [as a kid]: someday, I can go buy beer legally
ME [now]: i just wanna buy marshmallows
11 years ago when trying to bag my boyfriend I tried to eat a whopper in front of him in a hot way and I 100% pulled it off. In a way I am more proud of that than my records.
I’m going to leave the presents out and hide my kids in the closet until Christmas.
If someone sends you a link marked ‘Madonna Singing Naked in the Bathtub’ don’t open it.
It’s Madonna singing naked in a bathtub.
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
How fast “Little pig, little pig, let me in”
turns in to “Not by the hairs on my chinny chin chin”Ugh!
*Keeps plucking*