@AcrimoniousClwn: Heard rumors that a coworker slept her way to a promotion. Damn, if the bosses only saw how much I sleep at my desk I'd own this place.
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@jonnysun: WIFE: [handing me crying baby] will u please change him ME: ok [drives to hospital] ME: hi yes my baby is crying can i get a new one
@i_zzzzzz: Good slumber party questions: - What's the furthest underground you've ever eaten a burger - How many necks have you touched - What's pesto
@aveuaskew: "You always overreact and make things dramatic. It's really annoying." *raises megaphone to lips* How so?