@AcrimoniousClwn: Heard rumors that a coworker slept her way to a promotion. Damn, if the bosses only saw how much I sleep at my desk I'd own this place.
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@MelvinofYork: *watching tv Me: "Don't just stand there, idiot! Run! Escape while there's still time! God, I can't watch" Wife: (turns off wedding video)
@AimeeHelene1: To the person that put "SMILE" as their name on the printer... I will not!! In fact, I will hunt you down and force you to watch me frown.
@DanMentos: "So you met the victim on tinder" Yes "Do you often meet women on tinder"? Yeah I've been murdering it on there *lawyer puts head in hands*
@MariyaAlexander: I can judge the goodness of my sex life by the loudness of the terrible music the neighbors are blasting