@AcrimoniousClwn: Heard rumors that a coworker slept her way to a promotion. Damn, if the bosses only saw how much I sleep at my desk I'd own this place.
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@UncleDuke1969: Date: So… Tinder, huh? Me: Yup. Date: … Me: This is kind of awkward. Date: Maybe we should’ve used real pictures. Me: You think so, MOM?
@drayzze: I wish I had a bear so I could take him hiking and camping So if we ran into other bears, he'd be like "It's cool, man, he's with me."
@Beatonm5: what sorcery is this, the iron wasnt workin, so I took it apart put it together again got left with extra parts and screws but its working??
@Reverend_Scott: Before you reply to a tweet, take a deep breath. Now hold it. Hold it... Hold it.... Hold it... Keep holding it... Die.