@AcrimoniousClwn: Heard rumors that a coworker slept her way to a promotion. Damn, if the bosses only saw how much I sleep at my desk I'd own this place.
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@BroIsMeeeee: "sir do u know why i pulled u over" *shrugs* "License- *hands cop box of crayons* "sir plea- *hands cop coloring book* *cop starts coloring*
@illuminatedwndr: "Would you like to import all of your phonebook contacts to your Twitter account...?" hahahaha yeah, that'll go well
@michaelianblack: You know who's really upset about Romney losing? Wire coat hanger manufacturers.