Heard rumors that a coworker slept her way to a promotion. Damn, if the bosses only saw how much I sleep at my desk I’d own this place.
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Why are we forcing a single payer military plan on everyone? There should be a basic military that covers you, and if you want to bomb another country on top of that, you pay for it yourself. It’s about choice
50 shades – only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he lived in a trailer, it would be another episode of criminal minds
accidentally vacuumed up my air guitar
Me: It’s America’s birthday!
Kid: Like Brave?
Me: Yes! Home of the brave. So smart!
Kid: I like her orange hair.
Me: …ok let’s start over.
[Independence Day – 2017]
ALIEN {auto-translated}: We. are. taking. over. the. leadership. of. your. country. Do. not. r—
WILL SMITH: Fine
[spelling bee]
Judge: your word is tennis
Me: s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s
Judge:
Me:
Judge: please spell it again i lost count
Boss: Why do you look so sad?
Me: I actually paid a college hundreds of thousands of dollars so I could do this
I don’t know, but there is something strange in this decoration!😂
This alphabet soup that I spilled on the floor is still more coherent than most Pitbull lyrics.
We got caught Brian, just act normal..
($800 for an iphone)
oh no problem here you go
(99 cents for an app)
HA I DONT THINK SO PAL MONEY DOESNT GROW ON TREES YA KNOW
I watch people through binoculars as a hobby, but the cops call it a felony…
I never knew those were synonyms.
How about the No Bucket Challenge? Basically you just give a charity some money and don’t tell anyone about it.
Shout out to the KFC drive-thru attendant who offered me “enough ranch to drown a small child”
[creation]
PORCUPINE: So what’s my deal
GOD: Basically a fat lazy rat that eats sticks and your vision sucks
P: WTF dude are you serious
G: lmfao yeah bro
P:
G:
P: Can… I at least be covered in thousands of tiny swords
G:
P:
G: HELL YES THAT IS METAL AF MY MAN
They should put a statue of me next to the Statue of Liberty so immigrants know the American Dream is hit or miss.
My neighbor killed the grass in my yard so now I have to go and be all Lawn Wick on his garden gnomes
Have kids first so that you know whether or not you can keep a dog alive
[reading humpty dumpty]
with a straight face they really decided to drag the king’s horses like that
Me: there’s just no way you ONLY have air conditioners
Lowes employee: *visibly uncomfortable*
Me: here’s the thing Curp
Lowes employee: it’s Curt
Me: here’s the thing Curd. I’m gonna need you to show me where the air shampoos are
God: you’re a capybara.
Capybara: yay!
God: you’re the largest rodent.
Capybara: double yay!
God: also you live in South America.
Capybara: so cool!
God: wow you’re in a great mood!
Capybara: just living my personal motto!
God: which is?
Capybara: don’t worry be Capy : )
Her: Who’s your favourite character in the Muppet Show?
Me: The vampire
Her: He doesn’t count
Me: I can assure you that he does
Me: I’ve had this for 3 weeks & I’m still single!
HomeDepot Clerk: ma’am, a stud finder is for the beams in your wall
Me: that was unclear
Ok who has flying ants in the August sweep stakes? I had dyslexic badgers so not my month 🙄
Wife: “How did your first day as a lifeguard go?”
Me: “Amazingly well, thanks. Everyone was so friendly and waving at me.”
me: wanna go on a date tomorrow?
him: sure how about 8?
me: slow down. i was thinking we’d try the one first
“Don’t make things all about you for once…”
My mother says hi.
Been coming here every day for six years and I’m starting to lose hope.
When arguing, I let the other person speak first, then help them see my point by starting with, “Now, what I’m about to say is correct”
I just apologized for sending someone a text using shouty font because I couldn’t remember the term “all caps”.