Heard Santa and his wife separated, which would make them independent Clauses.
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[first day as a bartender]
boss: stop putting OJ in the mojitos
me: *starts serving mitos*
People wonder why I move to a new place every couple years. The truth is, I’m being chased by a snail with a grenade and a vendetta.
Using my dog as a shield, but just to absorb the slobber from my other dog.
To everyone in this doctors waiting room: calm down. I’ll hit the right note on my trumpet eventually.
When you’ve already coughed 3 times in class and you’re trying not to cough again
ME: it’s like a dream come true
UNICORN [speaking German and wearing a purple leotard while smoking a giant cigar]: you better enjoy it pal we had to pull a lot of strings to make this happen
I saw my dog eat yellow snow this weekend… and I’d still take her advice before yours.
no cat here
When I was a teenager, my father showed me a 30 minute Powerpoint presentation why one should always wear a condom!
All the slides were just pictures of me….
A nice man at the store was so thrilled to hear our 3yo yelling “BUY ME A BOOK!!”, we didn’t have the heart to tell him that instead of reading, our kid only wants to rip out the pages and eat them like some sort of high-fiber illustrated buffet.
I don’t want to alarm anyone, but my doctor says I have an irreversible terminal condition called aging.
If you like being used as a giant Kleenex, working with young children may be right for you.
good prank: sneak into someone’s house every night over a year and replace thier toilet with a slightly larger one until it fills tthe room
Wife: I’m worried you love Harry Potter more than you love me.
Me: that’s riddikulus lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: [pulls out Hermione Granger limited edition replica time-turner necklace] this better work.
[before sex]
HER: did you bring protection?
ME: heck ya I did *slowly reaches into back pocket and pulls out nunchucks*
Jurassic Park is my favorite movie about how humans get on everybody’s nerves.
90% of my social interaction is just wondering what to do with my arms
Johnny: Frankie said we gotta unload all these pocket watches tonight and I dunno if we can do it.
Fat Sam: [opening door to hypnotist’s convention] Don’t worry about it. I got an idea.
scenes of unspeakable carnage
if u wanna date me all u gotta do is ask and i’ll say no
I sleep like a baby at night…
…a baby with a terrible secret.
My hair stylist asked for a pic so she could assess my hair for a comeback appointment and I was just told she suddenly left the country.
Sometimes I put my cat in the sunroom hoping the coyote who lives out back will charge at it and bounce off the glass.
[giving commencement address at graduation]
“My fellow graduates, the best life advice I have is: if you don’t already know how many calories are in a tortilla, never look it up”
Don’t let the cargo shorts and flip flops fool you…I’m not the sex symbol you may think I am.
Thinking about quitting my job to pursue my dream of not working.
I only have eyes for you. I got them from the morgue. I’ll probably get arrested.
My wife handles our kids like a boss. The only problem is she make me do it too 😂
DOCTOR: congratulations, it’s a boy! *holds up baby tricycle*
BICYCLE DAD: what the hell?
BICYCLE MOM: *crying*