Heard Santa and his wife separated, which would make them independent Clauses.
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i’d like to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by the grand canyon
You don’t scare me. You’re not my mom saying, “I’m gonna tell your father” after she found out I broke the TV.
I bought 334 books, 23 t-shirts, 16 bumper stickers, and went to 73 seminars about getting my impulsive compulsive buying disorder under control. For once, I finally got a handle on it.
I’ve saved so much money I put a down payment on a Siberian tiger.
Me: Do you want to hit the steam room after this?
Leonard the shrimp I work out with: *aggressive shrimp noises*
Me: Christ, it’s a joke Leonard. Calm down.
If we put aside our differences and work together, I truly believe we can come up with a few more alternate spellings of the name Britney.
[Phish concert]
“I have to pee.”
“Go when the song’s over.”
“How will I know?”
if they played poker with potato chips I’d have a gambling problem
*has hiccups for 30 seconds*
MY LIFE IS PURE SHIT
Does France have Mcdonald’s? Because it wouldn’t be fair if we were the only ones dying.
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*aaaaaaand scene
Crinkle cut fries. Ribbed for your pleasure.
Everyone talks about selling excess solar to the electric company to pay for their solar panels, but nobody talks about selling excess flatulence to the gas company to pay for their Brussels Sprouts.
My 10 y/o daughter informed me that “everyone knows” you can’t wear your picture day outfit again the rest of the year, like it’s some kind of 5th grade wedding dress.
GPS: Take the next right.
Me:
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
Me: [Going 70mph down a hill in a Target shopping cart] I don’t know how to tell you this…
I dont get laid nearly enough for someone who can name five different types of pokemon.
The phrase “you two deserve each other” sounds like a compliment, but never is.
I don’t care what the scale says.
I know it’s time to start exercising if a wolf tries to huff & puff & blow my house down.
It doesn’t matter what’s behind you, keep moving forward at your own pace, you’ll get there..
Unless it’s flashing lights behind you ..then floor it and hope they don’t catch up…
Behind every successful woman is a Man who let her down.
I made a resolution to eat better and exercise in the new year but didn’t specify which year I was referring to.
If by hot yoga you mean crawling around on the floor of my car in 90 degree weather looking for the sippy cup that rolled away then yes I do hot yoga
Sometimes, when I need a really good night’s sleep, I call my burrito guy to come over and tuck me in
*brings butter gun to butter knife fight*
Me: I prefer telling outside jokes.
Coworker: Don’t you mean inside jokes?
Me: Not to you
Game of Thrones: Now with 100 percent more zombies! The Walking Dead should fire back by adding kingdoms.
My kid just asked me to help with her art project and I said “aw, why did you choose me?” and she said “because you suck at math”
I bought my daughters two watches for Hanukkah, but one lights up and the other one doesn’t. Please send thoughts and prayers.
other job applicant: good luck
me: im gonna tell the boss you hate his hair
other job applicant: what
me loudly: I actually like his haircut
My kid keeps talking about his preschool “road trip” and I’m not sure a visit to an apple orchard has ever been described in that way