@J_Luce3: Heard someone died from eating a meal that wasn't Instagrammed.
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@Henry_3k: When your wife asks if men think about sex every 7 seconds the correct answer is "I think of you all the time dear" & not "Sex with who?".
@Douchekevin: Wife said she was 'retaining water' and I said I'd wondered who drained the swimming pool. Been 4 days and I'm still hiding in the attic
@alfageeek: Remember: If you don't post a first-day-of-school picture of each child on Facebook, the state will come and take your kids away.