If my kids & cat ever get abducted, I would have to admit to the police that I have a thousand recent pics of my cat, but, like, a school photo from last year of my kids.
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I asked my kid to sweep the floor and she said “Okay, but only if I can mop too”, so now I need to figure out whose baby I accidentally took home from the hospital
Yes, lady who took two parking spaces. I’m the reason you can’t get in your car from the drivers side.
Have a nice day 🙂
Nativity scenes become something else entirely if you put a fork and knife in the hands of the adults.
President The Rock Obama
I just filled up my gas tank and went to a movie and bought a large soda and popcorn, I spent roughly 7000 dollars.
[Home after awful day at work, my dog greets me]
Me: At least somebody’s happy to see me!
Dog: *shakes head, pulls banana from pocket*
St. Peter: “Spock?”
Leonard Nimoy: “I’m Leonard. Spock was just a character I played on TV.”
St. Peter: “HEY EVERYBODY! IT’S SPOCK!”
Passed a gym sign that said “Have those new yoga pants been to yoga yet?” and I feel personally attacked.
I still love Rage Against the Machine
but now it’s just me fighting with my husband over his constantly malfunctioning “smart home” systems.I just want to turn off a light …
Whenever I need a few more minutes to get ready, I walk into the living room and say “My dad has that same shirt ” and then watch my husband’s head explode.
Every time “Cops” comes on I’m like “PLEASE don’t show my episode.”
We wouldn’t really have any national debt in this country if strippers would just pay their damn income taxes.
I hate when someone finds out I read the same book they did and thinks we’re in some kind of a gang or something.
My 8yo: A kid at school is always mean to me.
Me: What do you think is a good way to deal with it?
8yo: We should probably call the FBI and run surveillance on him.
Kim Jong Un has upgraded himself from “Leader of North Korea” to “Supreme Leader of North Korea” by adding sour cream and extra cheese.
*I gently remove an eyelash from her cheek*
“Make a wish,” I say.
*I am crushed by a T-Rex wearing a saddle seconds later*
remains to be seen, not heard
– undertakers
I told y’all leave these retail workers alone with the TikTok pranks 😭
Hospice was my favorite spice girl,
into all kinds of freaky things and took good care of my grandma
I can’t do this. I think I’m dying. Why does your face look like a donut?
~ me 30 minutes into dieting
Me at age 5 “I wish I had a $1”
Me at age 10 “I wish I had $100”
Me at age 17 “I wish I had $1,000,000”
Me at age 26 “I wish I had $1”
“Found” a nest of ground bees
and got stung multiple times.But I was able to remove all the stingers.
So yes, my pullout game is strong.
[dog bites my arm off]
owner: lol don’t worry he’s just playing
It’s wasteful to have a new Doctor Who, a new James Bond, and a new Willy Wonka. They should be amalgamated into a single character called Doctor Bwonka.
ME: Whatcha doin?
WIFE: Watchin Dune.
ME: I asked you first, Sharon.
I wonder if bon jovi eventually made it the whole way there
*cocks gun*
Me: “Go ahead.”
Horse: “Just be cool, man.”
Me: “DRINK.”
Horse: “No problem. It’s just a stupid expression.”
The U.S. Army developed a pizza that stays good for 3 years. Finally, those billions in military spending paid off. Your move, Al Qaeda.
Therapist: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Would I be here if I did? Did you really go to school for this shit?
me: no don’t open that candy before din-
5: [opens bag of candy and skittles go everywhere]
me: [deep breath] iwantedkidsiwantedkidsiwantedkids. ididthistomyselfididthistomyself.