@J_Luce3: Heard someone died from eating a meal that wasn't Instagrammed.
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@pleatedjeans: [approaches outdoor cafe holding balloon w/face drawn on it] Hello table for two ple- [large gust carries balloon away] OH NO MY WIFE
@robfee: If the ESPN Fantasy Football app were slower and unreliable it would be playing quarterback for the Bears.
@mylifesuckers: Husband: Let's talk about it when we're not tired and cranky. Me: So, in like 18 years?
@autocorrects: I don't understand why some snacks are "fun-sized", there's really nothing "fun" about having a smaller portion of food.