Heard the local weatherman say, “high in the thirties” & now I know the title to my autobiography.
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age 12: fell off of bike at high velocity onto gravel road. biked 5 miles home
age 42: used wrong pillow. back was nonfunctional for 2 days.
I was trying to create a wonderful family experience strawberry picking, but there just isn’t enough wine for me to deal with my kids thinking it was funny to smear red strawberries on the back of my white pants.
COP: Pick up that wrapper.
ME: No.
COP: Okay, have a nice day.
PC: You quit improperly.
ME: You froze.
PC: Next time quit properly.
ME: I didn’t quit.
PC: You lost your data.
ME: YOU lost my data.
PC: Would you like to send a report to Microsoft?
ME: That you fucked up?
PC: That’s not how it’ll read.
ME *reboots
PC: YOU SHUT DOWN IMPROPERLY.
So anyway, my mom and all her opinions are visiting this weekend
There’s a cat curled up on my pillow, and I’d probably be a lot more cool with that if I actually owned a cat.
Breaking News:
Germany defeats Argentina… France surrenders.
Just cleaned my room 7 months ago and it’s dirty again.. this is bullshit
Sometimes I think I’m the only Brit trying to use up all this spice we stole
Man next to to me just said into his phone “You caught me in the middle of a sandwich.” He’s lying. He is not in a sandwich.
GIRL: Spirit, should I have sex with this guy?
ME: *tries to push the ouija pointer to yes but it won’t move* (under breath) grandma, PLEASE
Nobody:
Toy Makers: KIDS ARE PROBABLY HARD OF HEARING SO MAKE SURE EVERYTHING IS LOUD
Have kids so instead of just having a peaceful morning you can argue with your 3 y/o about why he can’t lock his younger brother outside in the rain.
The Twelve Days of Christmas would cost$107,000 this year which is relatively cheap considering the amount of human trafficking in the song.
What I thought I was doing: Leaving my house for a girls’ afternoon at a local winery.
What I was actually doing: Explaining to my 5yo why he can’t call the police just because his dad asked him to pick up his Legos.
Apparently you can build quite a reputation if you go to all the Christian bookshops and ask if they carry Harry Potter.
If you subtract all the sex robots those NASA nerds built, the moon landing only cost like eighty dollars.
The five stages of Sunday: depression, anger, bargaining, acceptance, HBO
I once matched with a guy on a dating app who had climbed Mount Everest. Twice. And he was still single. Using an app. That’s how hard dating is holy shit
Go to a doctor?
When there’s all this free advice on the internet?
My parents are just back from Little Women. My mam absolutely loved it but my dad isn’t happy because there was a Waterford Crystal bowl in the background of a scene and Waterford Crystal wasn’t around back then and therefore, the movie is no good.
Somebody asked me if I could go back in time if I would kill baby Hitler. Hold up. Hitler was a baby? This shit just keeps getting crazier
Swapping all the oxygen tanks with helium at the nursing home today.
Once they’re all floating I’ll walk in dressed like a ghost buster and save the day
i made a promise to myself that if i ever get an island the first thing that i will do is put some dinosaurs on it.
Oh… Oh dear… it looks like my grandmother’s embroidered pillow may have stolen your tweet.
Day 4. They suspect nothing.
Patient: I’m going to miss you. If I need anything how do I reach you?
Me: Pentagram and a dead goat
Me: there there. No need for ugly crying
Him: I’m not crying
Nightmares are so embarrassing bro, like u literally made up a guy and got scared of him.