heard you like bad girls so I squeezed lemon juice on my fish even though the waiter grabbed me & was like “no, there’s already lemon on it”
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Home Alone is my favorite movie about how child neglect and bad parenting is hilarious
mmm onion ringos
Worm: If you cut a glow worm’s tail off, he’ll be de-lighted haha
Me: I don’t get it
Early bird: I do
They bad news is my teenager is running a fever; the good news is he’s still feeling well enough to make “yo mama” jokes.
I love meeting new people. Not you. Don’t touch me.
Only parents of toddlers know the anxiety of finding a sharpie lid on the floor.
1st birthday party: *intense Pinterest deep dive, starts buying things 6 months in advance, starts decorating a month before party*
7th birthday party: *oh shit, the party is in 2 days. Guess I should order some food or something*
A zombie apocalypse sounds even worse when you consider all those smoke detectors beeping for battery changes.
applying to a job I probably won’t get, so under additional skills I wrote “easily startled but excellent bladder control”
Necessity is the mother of invention, and the wife of bill.
Bill is the only one in the family with a normal name.
[CSI at Starbucks]
“Ma’am you’ve been robbed. Suspect is at large.”
Barista: At what?
“At large”
At what?
“At venti?”
OMG HOW AWFUL!!!
Her: You have very beautiful hair.
Me: Oh, you flirt!
*Hands me her card*
Her: If you’re ever thinking about selling it, call me…
Got fired from my last job as a nightclub promoter because I refuse to break the first rule of nightclub
*rubs lamp/genie appears*
*makes me listen to ads before each wish*
Establish dominance over your doctor by asking what drugs he’s taking.
There are very few things more embarrassing than finding out you’ve been doing something the wrong way your entire life.
My conscience is clean.
Alcohol is technically a solvent.
I before E except when you run a feisty heist on a weird beige foreign neighbour.
People hate on frozen pizza. It’s tough on the teeth, but so refreshing on a hot summer day.
Cop: Lets go, boys, no meth in this house.
*zoom to fish tank*
Fish 1: *nods*
Fish 2: [taps on pirate ship] Resume cooking, Lenny.
*bubbles*
Me [drunk]: gimme a bloody mary
Employee: sir, this is a haunted house
Me: m’bad. Gimme a bloody mary bloody mary bloody mary
One of my coworkers keeps stealing my lunch, so I included my favorite cucumber today. Hope she likes it.
What’s that, Lassie? Timmy’s in trouble? His marriage is falling apart? He’s having an existential crisis? I’ve got my own problems, Lassie.
Having to walk all the way to a person’s house & talk to them face to face really cut down on pointless small talk though.
I’d date me.
But mainly because I put out.
*climbs Mt. Everest hoping to find clarity, PEACE & a deeper understanding of myself & the world*
“When did they put a Starbucks up here?”
Waiter: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have an appetizer called Jenga.
A bunch of termites in a trench coat: Then we..I mean I will have the salmon on the cedar plank, hold the salmon
What he said, “Let’s just drop it.”
What I heard, “I can’t think of a single way to win this argument, I bow to your wit and intelligence.”
Commas make a big difference. For example “Don’t eat that, grandpa” has a very different meaning than “,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,”
Partner: You had a beer, a glass of wine, a martini and now scotch. Pick one or you’re going to really pay for it tomorrow.
Me: I know. I can’t help it. It’s the alcorithm.