heard you like bad girls so I squeezed lemon juice on my fish even though the waiter grabbed me & was like “no, there’s already lemon on it”
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H: You look nice.
Me: I’m meeting one of my Twitter friends today.
H: So you want your picture on the evening news to be a nice one?
Me: Yep
If we are eating peas and one falls in the floor my husband can’t wait to say someone “pead on the floor”
My 5yo asked me if we could go to someone else’s house because he says we go to our house a lot
If you watch “The Empire Strikes Back” backwards it’s about a kid so traumatized to learn his dad’s identity he starts hitting on his sister
Interviewer : On your resume, you have the word “thigh” and it’s blank for 2 years. Please explain.
Me: That’s my thigh gap
My kid made up a song that goes “I love you and would do anything for you except clean” like some kind of 7yo Meat Loaf
I put my height in my tinder bio and 6 men unmatched with me…..i’m gonna break into y’alls houses and put all the remotes on top of the fridge
My daughter has written a homage to the chicken kebab. I am delighted. I wonder how my vegetarian husband feels about this..
You politely tap a jogger with your car one time, and suddenly you get labeled a hero.
remeber: you hav the same number of hours in the day as this tree. and how much oxygen hav u produced? oh none? oh u CONSUMED OXYGEN!?!???
I’ll bet when Godzilla first came out, God was like “Damn, that name’s way cooler.”
My neighbor was all like sorry I can’t stop to chat I’m running late. And I was all like it’s my lucky day. And she was like what. And I was all like have a great day!
I like to go the extra mile and then not come back.
Me: No!
Cake: You weren’t so shy the other night.
Getting old is not fun. Sometimes I have to check my texts, photos and ring camera when someone asks me what I did yesterday
When complaining of a stomach ache, you don’t really need to point to it or pat it gently. People pretty much know where the stomach is.
A lot of people frown on demon possession, but then can’t name a quicker way to learn Latin.
my Playstation got stolen… i have no one to console me.
Whenever I’m ordering takeout they ask if I need three sets of utensils and the answer is always obviously yes
Sean Connery still has nightmares about the time he told a woman to sit on his face.
I have this fun drinking game where you take a drink every time you’d like one because you’re an adult and you can make decisions yourself.
When the lady at the DMV asked if I wanted to be an organ donor, I told her, “Yes, but only if I die.”
I’m not religious but I know there’s a hell because Monopoly exists
Are you even a person if you were born in a generation that isn’t named after a letter?
“If you don’t let the Jews go, I will find you. I will kill you.”
Liam Neeson returns in…
TAKEN 3: SCHINDLER’S PISSED
(Summer 2015)
My chihuahua’s basically a tiny cartel kingpin who’s scared of the rain.
I am trying to learn more about coding and some other computery type things and I think it’s been pretty neat. I see things like ‘this is a nested element’ and it’s like, yea, I like that. That element sounds cozy. I want to join it. Sit with it, talk and have some coffee.
Me: What are you going to be when you grow up?
4: I’m going to be a mom.
Me: That sounds fun!
4: No, it won’t be.
HIM: So I was talking to our neighbor…
ME: Which one?
HIM: Susan.
ME: …?
HIM: Susan. Tall, dark hair.
ME: …?
HIM: Lives two houses down. SUSAN.
ME: …?
HIM: Has the pug and the golden retriev—
ME: OH, Lizard and Elliot’s mom!
I was really upset today but then a friend said “don’t be upset” so now I’m not upset anymore