Hearing aid salesman: You’ll be able to hear everything people say.
Me: Hard pass.
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[Rose from Titanic teaching her kid to ride a bike]
*holding back of seat* I’ll never let go
[2 seconds later]
*lets go*
Husband: Want any Chic-fil-A brought home?
Me: Yes, I’d like the one by the mall, please.
I successfully cleared a path from the front door to the TV. Now I can watch Hoarders.
I knew my gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
Her: I’ve travelled the world and the 7 seas…
Me: That’s redundant. Seas are part of the world.
Her:
Her: Some of us want to abuse you.
Why is it called gluten intolerance and not “going against the grain”?
Wonder who’s getting killed off this season on Sesame Street
Me: My neck is a little stiff
Web MD: You’re in rigor mortis
Through repetition and sheer will I’ve mastered gracefully falling on my head
So your face, is it permanently like that or are you genuinely surprised every time you take a selfie?
I’m getting old. I’m watching a horror film about a house with a hidden cellar that wasn’t on the deeds, and all I can think is how much value that would add.
Me: Jessica has 1/5 cup of milk for her cookie recipe how many times does she need to use the 1/10 measuring cup to make the cookies?
9: How about you figure that out on your own Jessica? Use your own brain.
*getting kidnapped
Me: Thank you.
Everyone hates big pharma until they have a headache.
what kind of cook setting is this??
me: everything is the same, but when the bread is done it pops out a little more so that you can grab it without burning your hand
toaster company ceo: I still don’t get it
You want me to go to the bathroom? The same thing that killed Elvis?
My wife took a bunch of my clothes to make a scarecrow today and seeing it come together I realized I dress like a scarecrow.
Me (flirting) so what day do you have therapy? 😏
Me: hi! I’m here for my appointment.
Doctor’s office: ok have a seat in the lobby. For like an hour. Then I’mma put you in a lil room for two hours. While you’re in the room people wearing scrubs will come in and out a few times. None of them will be the doctor. $5000 plz
Zombies never bite hipsters.
They taste fine.
We just don’t want to spend eternity hearing them say they became undead before it was cool.
My supervisor said I’m worth my weight in gold so I’m eating these donuts to increase my value.
Have manufacturers of picket fences ever gone on strike? Because the irony would be awesome.
Take your time, I’ll wait.
I was up way earlier than normal and I couldn’t find my cat. I walked around the neighborhood and found him being fed by a lady a few houses down. She had a different name for him and everything. He’s been living a double life. I feel so betrayed.
the other one is “smunchy” which is we stopped making the smooth peanut butter early. i’m close to becoming a smooth peanut butter guy just so i can eat a finished product
How the hell can people with kids ever sell anything ‘gently used’?
All my furniture looks like it was in a bar fight.
It might sound childish, but when my wife pisses me off, I dry my hands on the towels that “are just for decoration”
My tupperware bowl just reminded me that I had spaghetti in 1999.
Son: Dad, I’m gay. Do you still love me?
Me: Ask your mother
Shot my first turkey today. . scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section…