@Thrill_Tweeter: Hearing deteriorates as we get older. So why with every new year does the sound of someone eating become louder & more annoying?
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@thatdutchperson: [first date] Her: know what you're getting yet? Me: a burger and one of those coloring menus. Her: oh, you have a kid at home? Me: no.
@shadygeekdad: My father in law is one of those "deep sigh until someone asks what's wrong" kind of women.
@ArfMeasures: [phone] WIFE: Where the hell are u? ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u wanted? W: OMG M: I'm in a bar not far from there