Hearing deteriorates as we get older. So why with every new year does the sound of someone eating become louder & more annoying?
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It doesn’t matter if you’re filming a segment for TV or not, if you’re hanging out with Tom Cruise, at some point you’re jumping out of a plane
It’s not like I live in a broken down car on the side of a road. I’m not that rich.
On average, 13 people a year are killed by sharks, and 2 of those are stabbings
According to the 2nd law of thermodynamics, when parents relax, children must increase the amount of disorder in the universe to compensate.
I’m at my most ninja when slipping on my seat belt as a cop car pulls up beside me.
Doctor: Any food allergies?
Patient: Sometimes dairy products disagree with me
Carton of milk: That’s not true
I walked a girl home last night, and things got a little awkward at one point.
She turned around and found out I was walking her home.
*pushes you to the couch and latches on*
I’m a koala, and you’re my eucalyptus tree.
*pretends to eat your hair*
You can just give us the recipe, bloggers. We don’t need a 3,000 word dissertation about everything you’ve done in your life up until the point you put this food in the oven.
I’d like to say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I asked my kids what they’d like me to make for dinner and my 8yo said cereal.
Putting on mascara without opening my mouth is on my bucket list
Me: Being a healthy adult is getting a full 8hrs sleep
Boss: But not while you’re supposed to be working
What if your dog speaks French and this whole time has been asking you for some beef?
Sundries sounds like something grandma would call scandalous underwear
sorry i’m late i had to catch a chicken is something i’d never thought i’d say, but here we are
me: I wish I would have put on sunscreen
wife: I have some in my purse
me: naaaaahhhh
There is no life on earth without water.
Because without water, there is no coffee.
And without coffee, I’ll kill you all.
Diet Tip: Your pants can’t get too tight if you never wear any
Parents are like “i don’t want my teen having sex” and i get it. I had sex as a teen and now every full moon I turn into a giant sex
Photographer: Ok. You two hold hands, & u, in the back, hold a gun to that guy’s head. Nice. I’ll add blush in post.
cop: can you step out of the car, sir?
me: [remaining in my seat] yes i CAN step out of the car ;D
cop:
me:
cop: um may you step out of the car, sir?
me: actually i might be on a teensy bit of opium so let’s revisit that first question
Prince Devitt x Low Ki x Kota Ibushi. One of my all time favorite matches. 🔥
If my husband asks, we took a lit course together in college
[at the vets]
He’s really bad. He can’t fly.
“He’s a cat though.”
[very sarcastically] oh I’m sorry is this the vets or the excuses clinic?
Therapist: healing isn’t linear
Me: what if I pay extra?
Boy, ISIS are going to be pissed when they find out New Atheists talk about God more than them.
Did you know?
Baby kangaroos are called joeys because they are the enforcers for the Marsupial Mafia.
[runs to the door to greet wife]
I’m afraid there’s been a terrible accident involving all the things you asked me to do today.
nothing more rude than taking a photo of yourself and it looking like how you actually look, and not how you look inside your head
Can I watch The Meg if I haven’t Seen The Peter, The Lois, The Chris, The Stewie or The Brian yet?