Hearing deteriorates as we get older. So why with every new year does the sound of someone eating become louder & more annoying?
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I named a large spider I saw today in my bedroom “Cotton Eye Joe” because Where’d you come from. Where’d you go.
I love when young people try to insult me and say ‘It’s way past your bedtime old man’. Bro, it’s not an insult, it’s a reminder.
I need a device that connects to other cars Bluetooth so I can yell “WHY CAN’T YOU DRIVE” through their speakers
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
Me: I feel like I look cute today.
Target self-checkout video: EIGHTY-SEVEN YEAR OLD WITCH.
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
My neighbor’s looking at me like she’s never seen a guy stuck in her doggy door before. And what’s with the screaming? And the golf club?!
Bored?
Looking for some action?Call my parents and tell them you heard the price of stamps are going up again.
My kids’ superpower is finding something to fight about after only being awake for 2 minutes.
I just ate some leftover mashed potatoes out of my hair, and I don’t even remember having mashed potatoes
the idiots at NASA just hit Jupiter with one of their fireworks
I asked my imaginary girlfriend, Delores, to change her name.
Mushroom: what the heck am I?
God: you’re a mushroom
Mushroom: is-is that good?
God: yes, you have a very important job to do
Mushroom: like what?
God: *envisioning Mario* when the time comes…you’ll know
[at Applebees on Christmas]
God: Your food good?
Jesus: Ya, it-
*a crowd of servers surrounds them*
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
HIGH SCHOOL BAND TEACHER: Look, you’ve failed at every other classical instrument we have. Do you think you could manage the triangle?
ME: I’ll make you proud, sir!–CONCERT NIGHT–
ME, standing outside, banging on triangle with a ladle: CONCERT’S READY, Y’ALL! COME N’ GIT IT!
The first 16 hours after getting out of bed are the hardest.
You grab a lizard by the tail and those fuckers will just hit the “detach” switch and book it. If peoples legs did that, we’d be fucked.
My local coffee shop has one of those “No WiFi, pretend it’s the old days” signs so I robbed them and made them promise not to use DNA evidence to convict me.
I hate when people do that thing in traffic that I also do.
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: how would i know
I could save myself a whole bunch of time if I could just remember to take the cap off of my lip balm before using hand lotion.
Today the neighbors are blasting country music from the boom box on the back deck. Tomorrow, they’ll be looking for the boom box that used to be on their back deck.
Why do they say “break a leg !” to actors ?
If you said “tear an ACL !” to a star athlete,
you’d be shot on the spot.
I’v been catfishing my best friend Dave for the last 3 weeks. He’s gunna pay me that $50 he owes me or I’m showing these emails to his wife.
[First day as an exterminator]
Me: *pointing to giant, dead mouse on floor* He won’t be bothering you anymore.
Chuck E. Cheese Manager: OH MY GOD
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wearing my wife’s clothes standing in the mirror.
If your wife tells you to take a bite of the apple then you take a bite of the goddamn apple why was it so hard for god to understand that
*approaches a girl, tips hat* M’lady.
*approaches a material girl, tips hat* M’donna.
Sad that 25 years ago Homer Simpson seemed like a looser in American culture and now it’s like: “Whoa…that guy has a job AND owns a home?”
Saying “You first” when the doctor told me to take off my shirt made the rest of the appointment awkward for him and I.