OLIVE GARDEN: When you’re here, you’re family!
ME: Can I get a–
OLIVE GARDEN: No, we have food at home.
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95% of pet ownership is just saying “hello” to them in various tones.
I’m an old soul. I know this because when my ex left me she kept saying I was “real mature” while rolling her eyes in admiration.
Bob the Builder: can we fix it?
Bob’s Wife’s Attorney: please just sign the papers, Robert.
Her: Where have you been?
Me: I went to see a shrink.
Her: Are you having emotional problems?
Me: No… I just want to be smaller.
[car dealership]
WIFE: let me do the talking, ur a terrible negotiator
SALESMAN: u can drive off with this car for 18k
ME: we’ll double that
i noticed you didn’t put interpretive dance on your gift registry but i went ahead and got it for you anyways
It wasn’t weird until my husband asked why I didn’t send him the nudes I made him take of me.
3yo told me to watch her show, sat me on the living room couch, asked if I’d like a drink, brought me a fake glass of wine, said “the show is about to begin,” hid in the wings, then returned and whispered discretely that my children were not behaving and I’d have to leave.
don’t look at the title of Kill Bill before you watch because it’s a bit of a spoiler
Tommy Lee Jones always looks like his son just told him he wants to ride unicycles professionally.
How about I get 100% off by already being there
Spice up grocery lists for your partner:
Im so thirsty- juice
Make my mop wet- shampoo
I only moo for you- you get the idea
If a person talks at you for more than 7 minutes straight without pause in a “conversation,” you should be able to go into screen saver mode.
No one running the NFL Insta account saw a problem here
Friend: Actually I met my partner on Twitter!
Me: I’m so sorry. Here if you need to talk ❤️
Friend: …no? It’s a good thing?
Me: *hand on their shoulder* Sure it is buddy
my wife opens my diary & her jaw drops as she reads page after page after page after page of bigfoot poetry
Losing weight to be attractive is weird. I see you shrunk your body slightly. Now I want you.
Teacher: We’re going to need you to work with your daughter on humility.
Me: I was never good with weather stuff but I’ll give it a shot.
I don’t have a swimmer’s body. I have more of a drowning to death body. #Olympics
If only
I got groceries delivered from Safeway and there was a mix up where instead of hand soap and dish detergent I got a bag with 4 jars of salsa, I’m over here washing my hands with salsa and somewhere else in the city there’s a chips n’ soap party going on
Before a long trip I drink allot of alcohol the night before. Dehydration will work for me for once.
You know shit’s about to get real when I put on yoga pants before dessert.
CNN just wondered if I’m sending disasters to punish you for your sins. No, I’m sending them to punish you for CNN.
“Jurassic Park” is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
Wife: I love that we finish each other’s-
Me: Drinks?
W: What? No. I was gonna say sentences HEY WHERE’S MY
Me: Margarita?
The political activism in this country has gotten out of hand. My son is lobbying for equal pay from the tooth fairy after hearing that some kid got $20.
*walks in at 3am*
Wife: OMG, what happened?
Me: I was attacked.[front door 5hrs later]
Neighbor: What happened to our inflatable Santa?
Send a DM to your twitter crush saying “My flight gets in at 6am on Thursday” and see how they react.
It breaks my heart to know that I live in a country where some of its citizens actually can’t believe that isn’t butter.