This day in history. 1999. Eminem’s mother sued him for 10 million dollars acting on behalf of the family swear jar.
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true friends will unglue your lips from your leg when DIY waxing goes terribly wrong
I spent my time preparing a home cooked dinner and placed it in front of the kids who asked for something different, and laughed. Then I laughed. Then we laughed. Then I spoke in a voice not of this world & everyone ate their damn dinner.
She- get lost
Me- *jumps in her wardrobe*
My answer to most questions is an intelligible grunt, a flustered pointing motion, & a 3 hour nap.
I love chasing after you…
* me to the ice cream man driving down the road
“I want you inside me,” I say to my husband while staring at the chocolate cake behind him on the counter.
Superman could have become a doctor, using his x-ray vision to detect life threatening tumors. But no, we really needed another journalist.
Sex so good, my left hand is making my right hand a sandwich.
I got asked for nudes once and I was like, “No, I’m married.” And he was like, “Yeah, I know. I’m your husband.”
If you need me I’ll be in the corner crying like a baby because I cleaned the house from top to bottom and then let the kids back in
My 6 year old just said that if she likes her husband she’ll take his last name, but if she doesn’t like him he’ll have to take her last name. Sounds fair to me.
Me: I would literally die for my friends, I love them so much
Therapist: but what about you? Do you love yourself enough to d-
Me: oh I would die for myself too
Making a list of all the people who wrote “Happy Birthday” on my wall without an exclamation point so that I know who’s secretly mad at me.
imagine when the stars that make orion’s belt die and his pants fall down
If you feel trapped in your body with no way out, just think about that guy in the middle of a conga line.
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
I’m tired of being the bigger person. Just once I want to be the smaller person. I want to be continually shrinking. I’d eventually love to be tiny enough to be carried around in someone’s pocket while shouting petty retorts.
[christmas day]
God: *opens gift* wow these are cool what are they
Angel: i call them wasps, they’re kinda like bees except they’re really angry, don’t die when they sting and serve no purpose whatsoever
God: they’ll be perfect for earth, thanks Lucifer
Sometimes you just need to dance naked in the kitchen. The manager at this Burger King seems to feel differently though.
Builder: The developer just called and told us not to install the bidets.
Contractor: What are we supposed to do with all these bidets?
Builder: We’ll just take it bidet by bidet.
If I was a Premier League manager and my team were playing an 8:15pm midweek match, I’d give my players just one piece of advice before kick-off:
Brush your teeth now and wear your pyjamas under your kit. That way, you’ll be able to go to bed quicker when you get home.
Spaghetti, because you didn’t like that shirt anyways
had to share :’)
*1st day as the Dr’s assistant*
Igor: lol. for a second there I thought you said a ‘teen-building exercise’.
Dr Frankenstein: that’s correct.
My teen is officially at the part of math where I need to sit down with him and say, “Son, we are a family of idiots.”
me: *looking down from a roof* a ladder would only slow me down now
Death: your time has come.
Me: no! not now!
Death: yes now.
Me: but… I have to poop?
Death: ……damn it. Go on then.
Me: wow that actually worked.
My toddler: *nods sagely*
I’m no therapist but I’d suggest that the fact that you’ve whined about your ex here every day for a year may be why he left you.
We HAVE to stop North Korea! They’re led by a pampered, delusional, vengeful fat rich guy with stupid hair and access to nuclear weap- oh.
me: what do you know about atoms?
friend: very little
me: besides that