[hearing that someone has died]
oh no that guy hated dying
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SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE WEATHER REPORTERS RISKING LIFE & LIMB SO WE CAN ALL KNOW WHAT A 130MPH HURRICANE LOOKS LIKE IN THE DARK!
Me: What should we grow?
4-year-old: Tomatoes!
[1 week later]
Me: Look, the tomato plants sprouted!
4: Ugh, I hate tomatoes why would you grow those?
Allah? Oh shit. I’ve been praying to Alan
Always be kind to people, you never know who may own a boat.
I just bought a beautiful 18th century bowl.
It even has a little sign on the bottom that says dishwasher safe.
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
I’ve never really had a beach body, but my snowman body is coming along quite nicely.
Good news class—you are exactly 9 years old, so from here on out, we’ll exclusively be reading books where the dog dies.
Damn girl, are you a desk? Cause I’m not exactly sure how to pick you up
[first day as a psychiatrist]
PATIENT: I’m still hearing voices
ME: *rolls eyes* that’s because we’re talking
Describing a female colleague to your GF, saying “you know, the hot blond” is conducive to sofa sleeping.
Everything my three year old says is like listening to a weird roommate describe their LSD dreams.
Dinosaurs prolly have ghosts too, what if there’s a diplodocus just standing where your house is right now, bored as shit
My preschooler talks a lot of trash when we play Chutes and Ladders for someone who needs help counting his spaces.
These childbearing hips have yet to turn one single child into a bear and frankly, I’m disappointed.
Me: throwing a ball
My dog: it is as the prophecy foretold
Sometimes when I’m driving I’m overcome with an urge to run into an overpass pillar. Anyway, I’m Kris & I’ll be your Uber driver.
When I see city workers planting a tree I’m like dude… who’s side are you on?
911 OPERATOR: 911 what’s your emergency
ME: ok promise you won’t be mad
it’s giving duvet, it’s quiltcore, if the vibe was sleepy time she’s serving honk shoooo honk shoooo
Retweet this and something good will happen at some point in the near future that you can choose to attribute to having retweeted this.
Prosecutor (showing slide): Is this your Yelp review history?
Me: Yes but
Prosecutor: 26 proctologists?
Me: What you have to understand is
Prosecutor: You described this one as “pleasantly judgmental”
[on an airplane]
Me: Is the pilot any good?
Flight attendant: One of the best
Me: [winks] How about the rest of the season?
If you visit Montreal, you gotta check out residential homes. That’s where all the locals go
Mornin
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
FITNESS TIP: Stretching is important. Stretch out flat on your back. Stretch your eyelids over your eyes. Stretch a blanket over your body.
*tries to wave goodbye to the genie without spilling my 3 giant milkshakes*
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions.
“He stole a penguin from the zoo.”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A BUTLER, KAREN.
wife *resting after surgery*
me
wife
me [holding flowers and a Transformers birthday balloon] They didn’t have any that said “Get Well Soon”