[hears a baby crying on the train]
Can somebody put that thing on silence please?
“It’s a baby..”
…
“…”
Vibrate?
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[building on fire]
ME: If we die here I just want you to know I’ve always liked you Gary
CO-WORKER: I guess now is a good time to tell you I ate your lunch out of the fridge on Thursday
ME: I knew it [stands up] STOP THE SIMULATION
[moments before death with my life flashing before my eyes]
Me: Wow, that’s a lot of cat gifs.
dvd? why are the Ds fighting??
Me: Table for four, please. And can we get some crayons?
Her: Will there be children dining today?
Me: No. The crayons are for me.
For some reason, the Disney movie “101 Dalmatians” was much more popular than it’s sequel “Picking up Dog Shit for Eternity.”
REALITY SHOW HOST: …and one of you will be going home
ME: how many points do I need for that
Being fluent in Spanish is all fun and games until you’re put in a professional setting and all you know is Spanish del rancho
Making sure to loudly declare my love for microwaved fish on Zoom calls so I’m never invited back into the office
If you have twin girls and don’t dress them like in “The Shining” and make them stand in hallways, you’ve squandered a precious gift.
Be kind to others especially those who accidentally sat on their Chimichanga.
What do you call a cow that eats your grass?
A lawn moo-er.
[on honeymoon in Paris]
Her: Look, there’s the Eiffel Tower
Me: Wait, I thought you said you’d never been to Paris before?
It’s disturbing that when we see a man’s mustache fall off we assume it’s an identity theft situation and not a medical emergency
[pulling the casket a few inches away from the wall during a funeral]
sorry just need to plug in my phone for a minute
Why should I have to stop talking about my ex, a relationship that ended a mere year ago, when Hollywood won’t stop making movies about world war 2, a war that ended like 20 years ago?
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Identical twins arguing over a photo.
The most valuable breed of cow are the Cash
This painting is titled “Mother, May I Sleep with Danger?”
I knew a girl who was sexually attracted to Hitler and when I unfriended her she messaged me and said “it’s cause I’m attracted to Hitler, isn’t it?” nooo, it’s cause you’re a Gemini. OF COURSE IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE ATTRACTED TO HITLER, BECKY!!!!!!
“Can you get my water, Mom?”
— My child, still in possession of the perfectly healthy legs I spent 9 months growing for him.
I should have grown him some Go Go Gadget arms.
I avoid eye contact like everyone is trying to sell me $20 fundraiser popcorn.
my right thumb literally just snarled at my other nine fingers and said, “you have no idea how much more work i do than any of you spoiled brats”
Me, getting murdered: Those had better not be my fabric scissors, buddy.
Doctor: I’m sorry but you’re not healthy enough for sex
Me: Hey man I have not been your patient for 3 years can you please stop calling me
what did I do this weekend? saw 50 Shades Darker & coughed through the whole movie on purpose
[showing my 4yo a Slinky]
me: look, it’s walking down the stairs
kid: what else can it do
me: literally nothing
Please keep your dogs and your children quiet the morning of July 5th. I’ll be up all night setting off fireworks and will need to catch up on my rest.
4: Mommy, I need a snack
Me: Perfect timing! I was just going to make you a hot dog for dinner!
4: No. I don’t want dinner. I want a snackkkkk.
Me: How about a hot dog as a snack?
4:…. YESSSS
Before I go out binge drinking I always eat a stick of butter. It doesn’t do anything I just make really poor life choices.
Some people don’t know the opposites to these words:
1. Always
2. Coming
3. From
4. Take
5. Me
6. Down