*Hears a joke about a chocolate bar*
*Snickers*
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I often find myself singing in the shower, which can be extremely frightening. Is he a clone!? What is this place! SOMEBODY HELP ME.
Don’t bother using those white packets of seasoning inside new shoes, they taste terrible.
okay but exactly how dangerous are these ducks?
I don’t make the same mistake twice.
I make it at least 5-6 times to be sure.
My wife after pulling weeds… I want a goat
I’ll never be as smart as I am in the shower.
THE EXORCIST (1973) An incompetent priest botches a routine case.
Well, I was having a good day until my son opened up his backpack & handed me a fundraiser envelope.
When the ex asks to be friends… it’s like your mum telling you that your dog is dead but you can keep it.
why do guys named timothy go by tim when they could go by moth
lieutenant: we did it, after all these years we caught the floppy disk bandit
officer: lol wtf is a floppy disk
floppy disk bandit: *intense sobbing*
Eve: Wrong hole!
Adam: Sorry, it’s my first time. How do U know it’s the wrong hole? No one has done this before, it’s just us two you know
If I see a dog in a hot car, I’m always troubled.
Why don’t I have a hot car like that?
How much does that dog make per year?
ORANGUTAN ADOPTS THREE TIGER BABIES
*At the Canadian Citizenship Exam*
Proctor: Your exam begins now and you have 1 hour to complete —
Me: *jumps out of desk and begins guzzling bottles of maple syrup* How many do I have to finish in an hour to pass?
Doctor: How in the world did you manage to swallow this?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
If you call & I don’t answer, I’m not dead, I’m napping.
– Things I have to say to my mom
Must be nice to only have body issues once a year.
Waiting patiently for something good to happen like that goat in Jurassic Park.
My Son: In my dream last night we were on the second floor of a restaurant, and the WEIRDEST THING HAPPENED.
Me: I love when restaurants have second floors.
My Son: It’s really fancy!
Me: It’s the best!
~ Team Lack of Focus, reporting for duty
The worst part about a fender bender is getting out of your car and having to meet a new person
“What’s this switch for?” he asked.
“No idea,” she said. She flipped it on. Off. “Nothing?”
Somewhere, a writer had an idea. Then lost it.
Nephew: Your Christmas hat is ugly. But that’s okay…
Me: Why is it okay that it’s ugly?
Nephew: It matches your face!
Me: 😳😳
If I try to film something outside, every person that owns a leaf blower within 10 miles is alerted via text.
Mom 1: That’s my little boy on first base
Mom 2: Mine’s pitching.
Me: That’s my son spinning around in the outfield singing “Let it Go”.
Redheaded guys know they can just dye their hair, right? They don’t have to live like that.
MUGGER: Give me your money
ME: Stay back, I have mice
MUGGER: lol I think you mean mace
*I’ve already thrown a mouse at him*
My friend is mad at me because I saw her using a huge tablet to make a call so I offered her a gas cylinder to light her cigarette..
Beatles albums are like “I’m going to give you one of the most soaring, emotional songs you’ve ever heard” and then the next track is like “doo doo doo! Mr Man and his Silly Hat went for a walk!”
Yes, I’m English.
No, I can’t speak British to you.
No, I don’t know the Queen.
No, I don’t want a spot of tea.