Carl: Gonna be a hot one today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Male ostriches can roar like lions.
Me: Fair enough, Carl.
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son is fuming bc his sister is staying home from school AGAIN. he just opened her door and said “and here’s the liar in her natural habitat”
Im not lazy, I keep my windows dirty because I care for bird safety.
Being unable to recreate this high is why we all have depression.
Stop flattering yourself.
I’m not subtweeting you.
Ok, i am right now, but i wasn’t before.
I didn’t want to make a scene but not fluffing my wife’s pillows should get the point across that I don’t appreciate the way she spoke to me
Someone already tweeted it’s hot outside.
Delete your tweet.
When I say someone is a good doctor it’s entirely based on the strength of their waiting room Wi-Fi.
One of my boys just hit me with a “who’s all there” text so now I’m in the club taking attendance like an overwhelmed substitute teacher
Me: I could barely fit our trash into that blue bin
Wife: that’s our neighbor’s new Smart Car
Friend: can I borrow £20?
Me: No.
*slides me £20
Friend: How about now?
why do birds
sudenly appear
every time
you are near
and how do u
always manage
to fit that many
birds in ur mouth
to begin with
Using Romeo & Juliet to express how inlove you are is like using Hamlet to show how close and well adjusted your family life is.
Me *tries to open website*
Captcha: Prove you’re not a robot
Me: How
Captcha: Live an emotionally fulfilling life
Me: can’t I just click on a box
I don’t know why I would ever look to Google for reassurance when it keeps me well-fed with headlines like, “The No. 1 Sign There’s a Snake in Your Car”
Good man! 👦🏻😡💪👍
“Help yourself!”
– people who don’t want to help you
I entered my Chihuahua in an “ugliest dog” contest and I won first place!
The dog came third.
her: [during sex] call me names
me: [panicking] optimus prime
It’s like the world is being written by a third grader now.
“Then the virus came, and then there was no toilet paper, and then schools closed, and then there was a tsunami!!!”
Bad news: I think I may have broken my toe. Good news: the smart car I tripped over will be alright.
One of the best
Our daughter woke us up at 3am to tell us a ghost was tapping on her from under her bed. Obviously, she was having a dream but we’re going to sell the house just in case.
Beards are a privilege, not a right
Hypnotist: you are getting very sleepy.
Me, a parent: I’m already there, pal.
The nephew I’m babysitting has been in a corn maze since Thursday, but I rationalize by thinking he has plenty to eat.
Me: *sends myself a reminder text about an appointment*
Phone: *ding*
Me: Ooh, who’s texting me?
I fake the art of fainting so well my favorite restaurant now refers to me as “Low Blood Sugar Girl” while rushing my limp body to a table.
Dentist: Do you grind your teeth?
Me: Yes, I have a child.
It’s hard to stay mad at Kanye when you remember he once threatened to move to Oklahoma and live at his aunt’s house
If I yell loud enough I can turn this whole game around.
– dads at kids’ basketball games